Are you good at being single? While singlehood has its ups and downs for everyone, some people find it more difficult, while others find it easier than being in a relationship.
What determines this relationship with singlehood? A new study published in June in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships offers some answers. Researchers echo the sentiment that singlehood can be a complex experience, with both benefits and challenges, depending on your perspective and social environment.
Researchers interviewed 11 single adults of diverse ages and ethnic backgrounds about these complexities and gained insight into how it affects them.
Here are two signs that you may find singlehood beneficial, based on the study.
1. You Know There Isn’t a ‘Right’ Time to Be in a Relationship
One belief that often influences how we feel about singlehood is the “appropriate age” to be single. Driven by societal expectations, many people believe that there’s a “right” time to be single — when you’re young and chasing ambitious career goals or self-development, but not when you’re older. When you’re older, it’s suddenly cause for concern.
“Especially in the cultural background I come from, I would say as soon as you finish what you think is education; it could be a bachelor’s or a master’s, and then the second you go into a full-time job, then all of a sudden there’s a switch, then you should be actively looking to end your singlehood,” explains Diya, a 23-year-old participant from the study.
Our personal experiences and tendencies can fuel these feelings of inadequacy around singlehood. Recent research shows that about 78 percent of single adults tend to have an insecure attachment style, which is often characterized by either a strong need for reassurance or hyper-independence and a fear of vulnerability, abandonment, and rejection.
This type of attachment style can shape one’s self-esteem and ideas around worthiness and love. For many such individuals, singlehood appears to confirm their deepest fears of being unlovable or unwanted, even though that’s not the case. This can be especially difficult for singles who seek a romantic partner but haven’t yet found one.
“I would not be happy if I were single and 50. At that point, you should have some kids and be in a healthy relationship,” says Theo, a 28-year-old participant from the June study.
The researchers found that as we age, there’s a tipping point that many people experience, where they either decide to wholly invest in their identity as a single person or focus on “settling down” with someone. This can be an ongoing process through various life stages.
“I don’t prefer being single, but if I have no choice, then I’ll be single and I’ll be happy,” says Evelyn, a 43-year-old participant from the study.
It appears that those who are aware of their worthiness of companionship, but tend not to impose timelines on themselves for when it’s appropriate to find a partner, likely fare better at singlehood.
“Our findings highlight that singles could reduce the incongruency between single status and age expectations by viewing singlehood as a legitimate lifestyle choice that requires investment (investing in friendships or hobbies) and rebuff beliefs that romantic relationships are a necessary first step for certain life goals,” the researchers explain.
2. You Know That Autonomy and Connection Can Coexist
Researchers found that single participants often felt that a romantic connection happens at the expense of one’s autonomy, and many struggled with balancing the need for both in their lives.
“Starting a relationship is like ‘hey, I have limited time’ because obviously I have work, I have family time, I have professional goals. I want to go to grad school. I love reading. I love doing my own thing,” mentions Carlos, a 24-year-old participant from the study.
Many single people feel torn between retaining the autonomy they believe singlehood offers them and wanting the deep sense of connection they believe only a romantic partner can bring.
“I feel like in a relationship (with a) partner it’s much closer together (than) with friends and family. (A romantic) someone that you could turn to and talk to – that is deeper and more intimate than just friends and family,” says Sean, another 24-year-old participant from the study.
However, research shows that relationships thrive when both partners experience autonomy in their connection, and singlehood does not have to mean a lack of deep connection either. Many single people have deeply fulfilling platonic relationships, and this love and support are invaluable.
A 2021 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that singles who experience greater satisfaction in their friendships also experience greater satisfaction with singlehood.
For many, singlehood offers the opportunity to invest more time and energy into sustaining these relationships, which is, in turn, beneficial to their own well-being. A strong support system and fulfilling connections play a crucial role in finding joy in singlehood.
Being single in a society that glamorizes romantic love is no easy feat, but it can be deeply liberating and fulfilling to many, especially those who break free of the confines of social expectations around relationships.
There is nothing deficient, unnatural, or pitiful about being single, as we’re often led to believe. A healthy relationship with singlehood indicates a deeply healthy relationship with yourself. And whether you’re single or partnered, the knowledge that a romantic relationship isn’t the be-all and end-all of your life can truly set you free.
