I am sure you have seen that Facebook, Instagram, and other social media platforms are rife with images of seemingly thriving families, often featuring adult children who have graduated or been promoted, who are having the time of their lives with friends, or who are getting married. Life appears to be really good for many families.
The parents who reach out to me for coaching, however, share how heart-wrenching it is to see these “in-your-face success images” when they have one or more adult children in emotional turmoil and struggling to navigate life’s challenges. These adult children and their parents, who will not stop believing in them, are in emotional pain.
The Common Denominator: “This Is Our Biggest Fear”
Parents who reach out to me for coaching are facing the biggest fear they ever could have imagined. They have an adult child who may be struggling or is straight up stuck.
These parents feel helpless and clueless about how to truly help their child, whom they see as being left behind on the success curve. They are frustrated and even appalled to hear other family members and friends simply say, “Just let them fail. That’ll teach them to straighten up.”
I hear many stories of adult children who struggle to regulate their emotions or who make impulsive decisions and actions. Others may feel hamstrung by the shackles of chronic low motivation. Perhaps college did not go well. Perhaps they can’t maintain employment. Some may have untreated addictions.
While many may be closed off about sharing painful feelings beneath the surface, they see themselves as disappointments or failures. Some struggling adult children still live at home, and some may live borderline independently, but their lives are filled with stressors. Some may be financially solid but emotionally fragile.
When Trying to Help an Adult Child, You Can Hurt Them
While there are many scenarios in which adult children can struggle, their well-meaning parents often tend to take the same types of misguided actions, like these three, exacerbating the situation. Following are all three, along with examples from my parent coaching practice (names have been changed to protect confidentiality).
1. Rescuing Versus Empowering
Parents often attempt to save or rescue their adult children, especially when they are going through rough times, dealing with mental health struggles, are in pain after a breakup, or have gone through a divorce. I’m not saying providing financial support is the wrong thing to do, but paying an adult child’s rent and settling their debts can create dependency, hindering their ability to solve problems independently.
The Fix: Stand in front of a mirror and sound out how your efforts to help are truly moving your adult child’s cause forward. Ask yourself, “What evidence is there that they are making progress toward emotional, financial, and personal independence?”
If what you are telling yourself is truly in your adult child’s best interests, that’s great. If not, then just say this one word over and over as you look in that mirror: “Enough.”
2. Letting Guilt Stop Setting Boundaries
Parents often share with me that they inwardly feel guilty about their adult child’s mental health issues, past learning challenges, problems related to traumas, or their marital struggles or divorce. The guilt becomes a veil of confusion, blurring their vision of what may be best for their adult children in terms of boundaries.
As I wrote in 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, sadly, many parents of struggling adult children become punching bags. Failing to set appropriate boundaries leaves these parents vulnerable to emotional abuse, financial manipulation, and being devalued by their adult children.
The Fix: Empathy paves the way for setting boundaries. The more you embrace empathy and convey it to your adult child, the less guilt will get in the way of setting boundaries. As long as you speak from your heart, your empathy will be well-intentioned and supportive, even if your adult child tries to manipulate you. And even if you need to disengage from your adult child for a while, you can still lead with empathy while gaining space to protect yourself.
3. Being Overly Directive
Lisa contacted me to discuss her struggling adult daughter, Ella. Lisa shared with me, “I keep telling myself just to listen. But then I can’t help myself. I see Ella go for these guys who are so bad for her. It is always the same cycle. She initially raves about how great they are, then she ends up getting hurt. I just don’t want to see her get hurt and so I ask her questions and then she gets pissed and shuts me out.”
The Fix: Focus on listening more and talking less when your adult child opens up to you. Reinforce them when they make sounder decisions and give them the space to see how their mistakes lead to lessons they can feel pride in learning from.
