3 signs of a toxic apology

There are times when an apology can make you more upset. It can be confusing because you want the disagreement to be resolved and to move on. However, there is something about the apology that widens the chasm between you and the other person. Identifying three signs of a toxic apology may help you clarify why the apology is so upsetting.

First, does the apology contain justifications? The apologizer may not actually be taking responsibility for their behavior, but rather using the apology to justify, excuse, and minimize their transgression. Second, does the apologizer try to shift the blame to you? Third, if the apologizer conveys an air of moral superiority, they may be trying to teach you a lesson in place of taking responsibility for themselves.

For example, Lisa is upset with Ann because Ann has not been attending many family functions lately. Instead of talking to Ann, however, she stuffs her feelings, but eventually “loses it” with Ann’s kids at a family party. Ann walks in on Lisa screaming at her kids and is stunned. She quickly gathers them up and heads home.

Later that afternoon, Lisa texts Ann an apology. “I am sorry about what happened today. I don’t know if you know this, but my dog has been sick, and I have not gotten much sleep lately. I was also very surprised that you were ignoring and avoiding me. I am family, and in my opinion, family needs to be a priority in a person’s life. At least in my life, family comes first.”

Right off the bat, Lisa justifies and excuses her behavior because she is stressed out and tired. There is also an insinuation that Ann should’ve known about her predicament. In addition, the statement captures Lisa’s attempt to play the victim, which means she feels as though she is innocent due to her plight in life. It may be important to note that a person who uses past and present hardships to justify a wrongdoing in a current relationship may have a victim mentality.

Second, Lisa is attempting to shift the blame. She is distorting things and accusing Ann of ignoring and avoiding her. This immediately takes the focus off her mistake and puts Ann in the “hot seat.” Ann feels as if she must defend herself even though Lisa is the one apologizing.

Third, Lisa’s apology has a morally superior tone. She is conveying that she believes that her values are more sophisticated than Ann’s. This type of statement devalues Ann while simultaneously critiquing Ann’s character.

A healthy apology usually stands alone. It is free from excuses and justifications. Typically, the apologizer takes complete responsibility and avoids shifting the blame. Lastly, they have empathy for the person instead of attacking their character.

For example, “I am so sorry, Ann. I was completely wrong to take out my anger on your kids. That was not okay. I hope you and the kids accept my apology. I will try never to do anything like that in the future.”

So, if you feel more anxious and angrier after receiving an apology, look for three signs that may signify it is a toxic apology: justifications, blame-shifting, and a tone of moral superiority. If you decide the apology is toxic, it may be best to ignore it and give the situation time before you decide how to proceed.