3 ways a narcissist may hoodwink you in the beginning

A narcissist rarely seems like a narcissist at the beginning of a relationship. In fact, they often appear as the opposite. As the relationship progresses, however, they morph into someone entirely different.

You may wonder how you ended up with this person. Three manipulations can explain how a narcissist hoodwinks you at the start of a relationship.

First, they agree with most of what you say, so you feel as if they really “get you.” They also seem to have a very similar value system and share similar priorities. Yet, as the months progress, they exhibit signs of having completely different ideals. You may feel shocked at their behavior and wonder, how did I end up with someone like this?

For example, Taylor and Finley have been dating for several months. Finely loves that Taylor is grounded and not very materialistic. They often joke about the junky cars that they drive so they can pay off their school loans. Yet, after getting married and having children, Taylor seems to be impressed with status and returns home from work one day with a flashy sports car. Finley is hurt that Taylor did not discuss this large purchase with her, but Taylor is indignant and defends herself, “I work hard, and I deserve it!” Finley is also upset because they had previously agreed to save money for a safe car for their young twins. She realizes that she may have to manage this expense on her own, and she wonders how they got to this place.

At the onset of a relationship, a narcissist may agree with several of your values and beliefs because they want to “real you in.” However, as soon as they get you rooted in life with them, they may quickly return to their superficial and selfish ways.

Second, when getting to know you, the narcissist may validate your deeper qualities. Feeling “seen” is a positive experience for most people, and you may believe that the narcissist really loves you for who you are, so you invest in the relationship. Yet, after you make sacrifices to solidify the relationship, the narcissist seems to be annoyed with the qualities and characteristics that they once seemed to adore.

For instance, Lisa and Tom have been dating for six months, and Lisa believes that one of Tom’s favorite things about her is her “heart.” They move in together and decide to organize a camping trip with some of their mutual friends one weekend. Tom and Lisa instruct their friends to pack a dinner that can be cooked over a campfire on Saturday night. The night before the trip, Tom and Lisa prepare a meal to take and Lisa notices the large amount of food that Tom is allotting for himself. Yet, she also recognizes that Tom has a hearty appetite. On Saturday night, one of their friends realizes that he forgot his dinner at home. Lisa reassures him and says that she is happy to share her meal, but Tom interrupts her and asks to talk to her. When they are away from the group, Tom reprimands Lisa and says that her friend is irresponsible. Tom refuses to share his food and tells Lisa she cannot share her food either because Tom wants it for a late-night snack. Lisa is shocked and embarrassed that Tom is acting selfish and cannot make a small sacrifice to help a friend. Although her portion is very small, she does not mind sharing it, and she does.

It may be easy for you to be selfless and empathic, and you may have thought that your partner valued these qualities in you. After all, they seem to exploit these characteristics when it comes to them. Yet, they see it as a weakness with others and may often refer to you as a “pushover” or someone who is easily exploited and, thus, “incompetent.” They begin devaluing the qualities they previously seemed to admire. Again, you may be wondering how you ended up in this relationship.

Third, at the start of the relationship, they are there for you at your “darkest moments.” You may misinterpret this as empathy, but it may have been sympathy. Feeling sorry for you gave them the upper hand in the relationship and allowed them to be the “hero.” However, your misperception of them as your “ride or die” may have compelled you to dive “headfirst” into the relationship. Unfortunately, after several months, they are annoyed with you when you try to discuss something difficult. Their lack of care and inability to see your perspective is a stark contrast to what they were like at the beginning.

Ben and Rick met when Ben was going through a divorce. Rick entered his life and supported Ben when many of his friends turned against him. Ben thought that Rick was emotionally available and open-hearted. Yet, as time progressed, Rick continually seemed angry at Ben when Ben tried to discuss something with which he was struggling. Rick’s recurring responses were:

• “Get over it.”
• “I’m not doing this right now.”
• “You overthink too much.”
• “You feel too much.”
• “You are too emotional.”
• “What about what I am going through?”
• “I don’t have time for this right now.”

A partner who was once there for you now dismisses you and belittles you for identifying how you feel. Their kindness may have been an act, and they may have derived a sense of power from being your “hero” when you were in a bad place. Sadly, you may realize that they have a serious lack of empathy.

It is critical to educate yourself on the ways a narcissist manipulates you at the beginning of a relationship so you can protect yourself. If you are already stuck in this type of situation, it may help to get my book, How to Outsmart a Narcissist, Use Emotional Intelligence to Regain Control at Home at Work and In Life.