3 Ways Contempt Hides Within Humor in Relationships

Laughter is often seen as a sign of intimacy in relationships. It lightens conflict, deepens connection, and helps partners weather hard times together. But not all humour is created equal. Sometimes, it’s not about playfulness at all but, rather, power.

In a two-part study, individuals who used benign humour styles—like light teasing, warmth, or self-enhancement—were consistently rated more positively by friends, family, and even potential romantic partners.

In contrast, those who leaned on injurious humour styles, such as sarcasm, ridicule, or self-deprecating jokes, were perceived less favourably. In other words, the way someone jokes can shape how trustworthy, likeable, or emotionally safe they appear to others.

Similarly, using passive contempt in one’s humour is a form of hidden hostility. Unlike overt criticism, it slips in sideways through sarcasm, mockery, or jokes that hit a little too close to home. These remarks are often dismissed as harmless, especially when followed by “Can’t you take a joke?” But over time, they can chip away at your relationship’s safety.

Here are three ways to spot passive contempt in the way someone jokes, and why it matters more than you may think.

1. They Joke About Things You’ve Asked Them to Stop Saying

If you’ve already communicated that a certain topic—say, your body, your job, your family—is sensitive to you, and your partner keeps joking about it and following up with, “Come on, you’re too sensitive,” know that this isn’t innocent teasing.

A 2010 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that some people use humour as a tool for subtly establishing dominance. Those who hold “cavalier humor beliefs”—the idea that jokes should never be taken seriously—are more likely to use humour to mask disrespect or prejudice. These beliefs allow them to sidestep accountability and frame your hurt as an overreaction.

This turns “just a joke” into a mechanism for maintaining control, testing relational limits, and minimising the legitimacy of your discomfort. In relationships, this creates a dynamic where one partner constantly tests limits under the cover of comedy. It’s a way of saying: “Your discomfort doesn’t matter as much as my amusement.”

So, when someone repeatedly jokes about something you’ve clearly marked as off-limits and brushes off your feelings, they’re not just ignoring your boundaries; they may be using humour to reinforce them as irrelevant. And that’s not playfulness. That’s control.

A helpful question to ask yourself in these moments is: “Do I feel small, embarrassed, or defensive after they joke?” If the answer is yes, it’s likely not light-hearted fun but a warning sign that deserves your attention.

2. They Use Sarcasm as a Default Mode of Communication

Sarcasm can be playful in small doses. But when it becomes the primary language between you, especially if it’s directed at you more than shared with you, it often signals deeper resentment or frustration.

Comments like “Of course you forgot—classic you,” or “Wow, look who finally made it on time,” might get a few laughs, but they often leave a sting. Beneath the surface, this kind of humour is a form of indirect aggression or a way to criticise while dodging responsibility for the emotional impact.

And this isn’t just theory. A 2022 study published in Personality and Individual Differences found that people who habitually relied on sarcasm, irony, or cynicism were more likely to score high on traits like Machiavellianism and psychopathy. These are personality traits associated with manipulation, emotional detachment, and a tendency to use others for control rather than connection. In contrast, those who favoured lighthearted or witty humour were more likely to use it for connection or entertainment, not harm.

These findings highlight how humour isn’t always benign. The way someone jokes can reflect how they relate to others emotionally. If your partner’s go-to humour makes you feel belittled or anxious, even if they claim they’re “just joking,” it might not be about being funny at all. It might be about asserting control or dodging vulnerability to keep emotional intimacy at arm’s length.

So, if sarcasm has become the air you breathe in your relationship, it’s worth asking: “Is it building closeness or slowly wearing it down?”

3. They Perform for Others at Your Expense

Watch out for how your partner uses humour when there’s an audience. Do their jokes about you suddenly become more exaggerated or uncomfortably personal?

Research on humour and social dynamics shows that humour can be used as a tool to assert dominance and compete for status. A 2010 study on teasing among friends found that people who imagined themselves as the butt of a joke, even from someone close, reported more negative emotions and viewed the teaser as competitive rather than warm. These findings align with the “superiority theory of humour,” which suggests that humour can be a way to elevate oneself at another person’s expense.

Ethnographic research into real-life banter among male peer groups adds another layer: In certain settings, playful teasing can actually strengthen group bonds. But the difference lies in mutuality. In those groups, everyone gives and takes equally—the teasing is part of a shared, accepted script.

In romantic relationships, that balance matters. If your partner is always the one delivering the punchlines and you’re always the punchline, it’s no longer mutual. It may get laughs from others, but it often leaves you feeling exposed, small, and unsure if you’re even allowed to feel hurt. And because the room is laughing, calling it out risks being dismissed as “too sensitive.”

This kind of humour, then, isn’t harmless; it’s strategic. It subtly enforces a hierarchy by placing your partner in control, while positioning you as the one who just has to take it. Over time, these moments chip away at emotional safety; intimacy is eventually replaced with resentment.