3 Ways to Reconnect When Your Adult Child Pulls Away

For those familiar with Simon and Garfunkel’s classic hit “The Sound of Silence,” when parents of emotionally closed-off adult children reach out to me, I can tell you that there is something even worse: the pain of silence.

You may feel very alone if your adult child gives you the silent treatment, one-word responses, or complete withdrawal. But trust me, you are not alone. As a parent coach, I can tell you that while you can’t force openness, you can create the conditions that invite it.

There is nothing more potent than accountability, empathy, and a growth mindset in bridging the gaps and reconnecting with adult children. Let’s look at each of these approaches and how they can repair your relationship with your adult child.

1. Take Full Accountability—No Excuses Allowed

Acknowledging past missteps goes a longer way toward healing than living in that “big river in Egypt” known as denial. Before you get upset and say, “Dr. Jeff always takes the sides of these entitled, spoiled adult children” (I get a few haters from time to time who write this to me), please realize that taking responsibility is not the same thing as taking blame.

So, in the spirit of approaching accountability healthily, stop saying, “I tried my best.” Instead, say, “It helps to reflect on how my words and actions hurt you, even though that was not my intention.” By shifting your narrative in this way, you will bolster your confidence, knowing that your accountability makes you feel less vulnerable. It may seem counterintuitive, but taking accountability without taking blame helps you stop wearing that “Kick Me” sign.

2. Lead With Empathy, Not Emotion

Empathy removes urgency and lowers the intensity that will push your child away. Empathy shifts from you are hurting me to I see how I hurt you. Being empathetic helps your child feel seen, rather than judged, guilted, or manipulated.

Try journaling or engaging in a mindfulness practice, such as meditation or deep breathing, to manage your emotions. As another tool to regulate your feelings, as mentioned in one of my other posts, try visualizing yourself suspended from the ceiling to shift into observer mode rather than reactive mode.

3. Go Forward With a Growth Mindset

Relationships can strengthen over time through patience and adaptability. Even if your child doesn’t respond immediately, that doesn’t mean following these three strategies is ineffective. As a football coach used to say to my team years ago, “Do your part, and the points will eventually go on the board.”

Approach your growth mindset with curiosity to support it, rather than falling into fix-it mode, which can limit your progress. View your relationship as a work in progress, with some setbacks along the way.

The Takeaway

Please keep in mind that even if your adult child is not ready to talk, your consistent efforts matter. It’s never too late to foster a sense of emotional safety and connection with your adult child.