Emotional intelligence is not only a gift in the workplace, but also in relationships. Regularly communicating four phrases may signify that you have the emotionally intelligent qualities: self-awareness (accountability), social awareness, empathy, and motivation.
“I was wrong”
Admitting a mistake in a relationship requires you to be introspective. “Looking in the mirror” instead of deflecting or shifting the blame, means you are self-aware and accountable. It is easy to excuse, minimize, and even point the finger at your partner after a misstep, but it damages the trust in the relationship. A person who admits they are wrong has a hearty self-esteem and can handle their flaws.
For example, Ann and Rick get into a disagreement about how to help their friend, Matt. Rick wants to contact Matt’s family members to garner support for him, but Ann wants to honor his privacy and help him more discreetly. Rick overrides Ann and when Matt discovers what Rick did, he is upset. Rick feels badly and realizes he was wrong to go behind Matt’s back. Separately, he apologizes to both Matt and Ann who forgive his mistake because they sense that Rick feels badly about it and takes responsibility for himself.
“Are you okay?”
Attunement to the people around you is a form of social awareness. The ability to recognize facial expressions and non-verbal cues is a sophisticated gift. You may sense that someone appears upset, and you go out of your way to check on them. This demonstrates that you care about the people around you.
For example, during a team meeting, Shelly notices a look of distress on her co-worker’s face. She also notices that their hand is shaking when they flip through their notes. Shelly makes eye contact with them and mouths, “Are you okay?” The colleague shakes their head. Shelly addresses the group and suggests that they take a 5-minute break. In the bathroom, her teammate discloses that they are having a panic attack. Shelly asks if they need some water and offers to do a breathing exercise with them. They agree and after a few minutes the co-worker says that they feel much better. They thank Shelly for noticing that they needed help and for being discreet.
“You have every right to feel that way”
If you are an emotionally intelligent person, and possess empathy, you can understand a partner’s feeling even when it is different from your own. When you communicate this understanding, your partner feels less alone in their predicament and connected to you. One of the most difficult times to have empathy for a partner may be when they identify that you hurt them. This is probably the last thing that you intended, but you are human and make mistakes. Having empathy for your partner in this situation instead of acting out defensively and rejecting their feeling, may be key to the health and happiness of your relationship.
For instance, Greg and Ben have been dating for several months. Greg is busy at work on Ben’s birthday and forgets their dinner plans. When he realizes his mistake, he calls Ben and gets an “earful.” Yet, instead of defending himself and justifying his behavior, Greg says, “You have every right to be angry. What I did is not okay. I am so sorry.” Eventually Ben calms down and accepts Greg’s apology.
“How can I help?”
If you typically refrain from inserting yourself into situations to take control and be a hero, but instead, humbly take direction and pitch in, you may be acting in an emotionally intelligent way. It is not about you “saving the day” nor is it about your need to take over. By asking, “How can I help,” you put the group first and assist in a way that is best for everyone. This describes the emotionally intelligent quality, motivation, because you are usually motivated by the greater good instead of your own ego.
Tim illustrates this when he helps his sister who is in the middle of a move. She has young children, and her husband is on a work trip, so Tim stops by to see if she needs assistance. He walks in to find her two kids fighting, and the third, sitting on the floor next to a spilled sippy cup. He notices the dog is whining at the door. He looks at his sister and asks, “How can I help?” She asks him to take the dog outside and bring the youngest child with him. Tim follows her directions and when he returns, his sister has calmed the kids down and cleaned up the puddle on the floor. She gives Tim a big hug and thanks him for his help.
If you are a person who routinely says these four phrases, you show signs of having emotional intelligence. You exhibit self-awareness, empathy, social awareness, and motivation, which are important cornerstones of this gift.
