We are all imperfect and sometimes behave inappropriately. Martha, in her own opinion, was excessively harsh with her partner Liam for a couple of weeks as she was under considerable pressure at work. She decided to ask for forgiveness, explaining, without excuse, that she was experiencing stress when she was overly demanding during those weeks.
Liam proclaimed his forgiveness, but Martha was not sure. He did not seem at ease and, as she put it, her radar was going off, indicating that he was discontented. “How can I truly know that he has forgiven me?” was her important question.
How can a person know if the other’s statements actually represent forgiveness? It is not an easy task because research shows that most people actually misunderstand what forgiveness is (Freedman and Chang, 2012). Suppose a person proclaims forgiveness, but does not fully understand it. Does this mean that (a) the person indeed has forgiven because it was sincerely proclaimed, or (b) the person so proclaiming should do more work on what forgiveness actually is?
Even scholars who publish works with the title of “forgiveness” can understand the term incompletely (Song, Enright, & Kim, 2025). For example, some scholars carve up forgiveness into decisions to forgive only, or feelings of forgiveness only, or motivations to offer forgiveness only, without putting all of this together. As explained in the above article and in Enright, Song, and Kim (2025), the philosophically deepest forgiveness occurs when offended persons have the following four characteristics:
- The offended persons begin to think in new ways about the offending persons, seeing the inherent worth in them.
- The offended persons begin to have new feelings toward the offending persons, showing compassion or more tender-hearted responses toward them, without excusing what happened.
- The offended persons have behaviors that are not revengeful, but instead are morally good toward those who acted unfairly. This might include a smile or a returned text message, any behavior that shows respect for them.
- The offended persons are motivated to do good, and this comes from a free-will choice without pressure to do so.
The bottom line is this: Forgiveness is a moral virtue (as are justice, kindness, and respect, as examples), and so, the idea is to be good to others. In the case of forgiveness, this involves a free-will decision, softer feelings, and actions that benefit the one who behaved badly. Because forgiveness involves goodwill toward others who were hurtful, it is perhaps the most heroic moral virtue on the planet.
To aid Martha and all who sincerely ask, “How can I truly know I am forgiven?” let us examine five verbal pronouncements about forgiveness, analyze them, and then suggest further ways of discerning true forgiveness coming from the one who was offended. Consider the following proclamations that sound like forgiving, but may not be authentic:
- Proclamation 1: “I am going to just let this go.” “Letting go” is not necessarily a positive focus on the other. This could signify moving on without the intent to be respectful toward the other or committing to be kind.
- Proclamation 2: “I am not mad anymore.” The one who is not angry still may not be seeing the one who offended as someone worthy of kindness, respect, generosity, or love. As you likely can see, the focus is on the self.
- Proclamation 3: “Let’s get back together.” This might be a desire for reconciliation without a commitment for both people to work on mutual trust. A person may “get back together” with another only to get something from the other, such as monetary support, without the deeper desire to help the other to change or to change the self if both are hurting each other.
- Proclamation 4: “I am feeling better.” The focus here may be only on the self. As soon as the person is not “feeling better,” then resentment may re-emerge.
- Proclamation 5: “I forgive you.” Be careful here if, as in Martha’s case, your “radar” is going off. The proclamation itself may not include feelings of forgiveness, such as compassion, or thoughts about forgiveness, such as seeing the inherent worth in the one who offended.
Distinguishing False and Incomplete Forgiveness
Just because some people do not have a complete understanding of forgiveness does not mean that they are “faking forgiveness.” A fake implies manipulation of the other. Is the other trying to manipulate you, or is that over once the person proclaims the forgiveness? If the latter, then deeper instruction on what forgiveness is and is not may be warranted.
Helping the Partner to Broaden the View of Forgiving
You have to be careful here so that your attempt to deepen the other’s view does not come off as you now dominating the other. Showing the other the three articles referenced above may be a good start because you are not the one who is appearing to be a teacher and the other your pupil, which might appear as dominance.
Your Patience and Forgiving for the Other’s Lack of Forgiving
Forgiveness takes time, and so, it should not be rushed. Do not expect that the other person all of a sudden will have deep thoughts of your inherent worth, or considerable compassion in the heart, or always respectful behavior. Yes, look for these as they are emerging, but do not expect instant results. You certainly can forgive the other if the process is taking too long and you are still being emotionally hurt.
In summary, forgiveness is not always complete when a person proclaims it. You can get a sense of the other’s forgiving if there is a genuine attempt at a softer tone when communicating, a more tender heart coming from the other, and a sense that the other sees your worth and is beginning to show respect. Early and inaccurate proclamations of forgiving by the other are not necessarily intended to masquerade as the real thing. These expressions may be sincere, but even those may be a temporary trick of subconscious denial within the one who proclaims, with good intent, an incomplete sense of forgiveness. Patience, perseverance, and the practice of forgiving and seeking forgiveness may lead to a deeper and more satisfying sense of forgiveness for both of you.