Marriage is a lifetime decision, no doubt but the hurdles you go through to opt out of it is a conundrum in itself.
The Ghana Report spoke with a few Ghanaian men who regret making the decision to commit their lives to one partner. Here’s what they had to say.
1. Nii Quaye
I got married at 29, but I feel like I was not thinking about myself and my future when I did it. I got married because it seemed like the right thing to do after being with my SHS sweetheart for almost 10 years.
Now that we live together, everything appears normal but deep down there are so many character traits she has that I wish I could change. Maybe those character traits are not enough grounds for a divorce, but they’re enough to reassess the whole essence of our marriage.
Another thing that makes me regret getting married is money. I’d totally be an achiever if I had all my income to myself. But I have to share. At the end of the day though, my kids make it all worth it.
2. Frank
Tracy and I have been separated for almost two years now. We dated for about four years before we got married, and at the beginning of our marriage, things worked between us. When we started having our normal couple fights, I thought things were going to settle in their own time, but they only got worse. The major source of my wife’s issues is her mum. My wife doesn’t have friends; the only person she’s close with is her mum. Her mum started giving her all sorts of terrible advice that only made things worse. The quarrels continued and then she started sleeping around.
Not long ago, I found out she was hopping around hotels in Accra with a man married with two kids. I even foolishly called the guy and told him to back off my family. On the morning of our counseling session, I was at her house as early as 6:50 a.m. to pick her up. The other guy was there too. I lost my cool, and we somehow ended up at a police station where I had to sign an undertaking not to move near her or our child again — a restraining order. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that I can’t see my child. In all of this, her mum goads her on and openly supports everything she does, even the sleeping around.
The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I have a child with her.
3. Ahmed
I’m 33 now. I got married at 27 because of my background and I regret getting married so young. If I could go back, I would hold off getting married till I turn 40. When I see my friends linking up with ladies, but I’m here stuck with the Mrs, it can be quite depressing. If your wife genuinely loves you, it’s nice having someone waiting for you at home. But the major thing that makes marriage tolerable is feeling the unconditional love your children have for you. Nothing beats that.
Other than that, maintaining a home and doing stuff like paying kids’ school fees are very expensive. I can’t put myself first or buy stuff for myself.
4. Edem
I married my wife in my mid-20s primarily because I had a number of very indigenous ideas in my head — ideas that were basically implanted by my dad, who was my biggest model for what being a successful man looked like. The first idea was a “good,” “responsible” man has no need to be single once he is financially stable, and the next logical step after achieving career stability is to get married and start a family. This idea worked well in the 1980s when he was a young professional working as a gold dealer in Ghana’s gold bang. In the 21st century? Not so much, as I found out.
When you find a “good” girl, don’t let her go was the second idea I tread on. This idea was further complicated when I took the advice most important thing a black man can do in an anti-Black world is to take care of a Black woman and be part of a cohesive Black family unit. In reality, as I found out, that ideology works for societies where being “Black” means something. In Ghana/Africa where everyone is Black, there’s a good chance the person you’re marrying has no clue that they are “Black”. And of course, there is no such thing as a “good” girl as I found out when I stumbled across a text from some guy telling her she forgot her panties and bra at his place.
Idea 3 – Cinderella stories are a real thing. This was not an idea I held consciously but based on observing my dad, whose marriage was the ultimate Cinderella fairytale, elevating a 20-year-old woman from Akyem Abuakwa where he worked as a gold dealer into a mistress of the manor almost overnight, I subconsciously believed in the sheer romance of it all. In reality, as I discovered, dating outside of your socioeconomic neighborhood is a hurdle to deal with. No matter how much money and effort went into convincing her that I was crazy about her before and during the marriage, she was never able to let go of the nagging suspicion that I secretly looked down on her and on her family, whose lives were quite literally transformed through my involvement. It also didn’t help that my mom was openly nasty to her in a very unpalatable “in-law-wife” type of way. In the end, she was never able to get over that basic insecurity and she ended up using things like sex as her leverage to fight the imaginary power tussle happening inside her head. When it came to an end and I got to hear what her mom really thought about me, I learned that the biggest omission in the Cinderella tale is that people will literally resent you for changing their lives because humans hate feeling indebted, and your presence in their life is a reminder of bad times. Cinderella is a lie.
It wasn’t until 3 years in that I finally summoned the courage to admit to myself that I was miserable.
Overall, what I would tell young men looking to get married is that there is no medal for being married — whatever joy or misery awaits you in there is nobody’s business but yours alone. Even your family doesn’t really care. So never get married for any other reason other than because you genuinely want to. And just as important, make sure you marry someone who likes you. Not someone who likes how you make them feel or the things you do for them and their family. Marry your friend — someone who enjoys the simple fact of your existence on this planet, and not someone who merely loves the ‘idea’ of being with you. Also, delay having kids as I did! Don’t rush into making a baby with someone you’ve been married to for 3 months. Give it at least 18 months to decide if this is what you actually want. The past 3 years since the split has been by far the happiest and most productive of my life so far.
5. Mensah
It’s easier to masturbate in the shower than to cuddle with her because my wife has a hard time with intimacy. I have found myself thinking about having an affair so that I will be less of a burden of intimacy to her. I think it’s her self-image; she’s overweight. I have dated women with all sorts of bodies and a woman’s body type doesn’t really matter to me. It matters to her. She tried to work on her weight but stopped since she developed some life-threatening health problems. I feel like she’s more of an observer than a participant in our lives. She doesn’t like to talk, but her body language is loud to me. I don’t think she realizes that. I thought she was passive-aggressive, but now I realize that she is just afraid of making mistakes.
I really like sex, and it was nice with her in the past but when her weight-related problems- like joint issues- started, it became boring. I had to start thinking of experiences with past lovers or porn scenes when we had sex just so I could finish.
With my wife, she always has something else to do, or she thinks I’m wasting her time. I’ve gone from making love for three hours straight to being with someone that doesn’t even want to try different things. And it’s not about me, she’s the one that’s not opening up. She’s the one being passive and uninterested. Sometimes, I even wonder if she’s considering having an affair too because she’s not enjoying our sex life. If we get a divorce, it will destroy me.
6. Fiifi
I got married to the spawn of Satan in my late 20’s. I’m in my late 40’s now. At the beginning of our marriage, she was good. The first time she ever abused me, it was with a wooden eba turner on my balls while I was asleep. I could not hit her back because I didn’t want to lose the job her father got for me. He was an influential man. I remember when I pushed her back one day and she cut her face with a knife and lied to everyone that I did it. No one believed my side of the story. The physical abuse got worse over time. I used to go to work with scars under my shirt, and I remember that one day, my shirt showed that I was bleeding under.
Long story short, I left her and ran away to Cyprus. Nobody knew I was leaving except my brother — I’m an orphan — so it was easy to leave without anyone worrying. I’m still single and although I’m seeing someone, things are not that serious, and I don’t think I’ll ever get married again. I’m just lucky she didn’t kill me.
7. Kwame
My wife sometimes makes me want to throw up. I hate how her private part feels and I hate that she even looks at me. The only thing I like about our union is the kids. They look like me. Before we got married, she used to treat me like shit, but I assumed that after we got married, everything would change.
She was beautiful, so I just thought it’s that thing beautiful women do. The biggest mistake of my life was marrying her because she perceived the fact that I stuck with her, even when she treated me like shit, as desperation. Now, I want to step out one day and just disappear forever and start a new life, but I can’t do it because I don’t want to lose my kids. So, I guess I’m staying.