As a coach who works with parents of adult children, I often hear heartbroken confusion:
- “She won’t let me in.”
- “He keeps saying he’s fine, but something’s off.”
- “She pushes me away when I try to help.”
Many hurting adult children don’t come out and say, “I’m struggling.” Instead, they drop subtle emotional breadcrumbs. These seven phrases are far more revealing than they appear:
1. “I’m just tired all the time.”
This isn’t always about sleep. Chronic emotional fatigue often sounds like physical exhaustion. Depression, anxiety, burnout, or even trauma can hide behind this line.
2. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
It’s easy to hear this as avoidance or rebellion. But more often, it’s fear of being misunderstood—or a shield against the vulnerability of opening up.
3. “I’m just trying to get through the day.”
This is survival mode in a sentence. It often signals overwhelm, anxiety, or hopelessness. Your child may feel like they’re drowning quietly.
4. “I feel like I’m falling behind.”
This self-judgment reveals deep inner shame. Many young adults feel they’re failing because of invisible, unfair standards regarding their careers, relationships, or life milestones.
5. “You wouldn’t understand.”
It hurts to hear, but it’s not always a rejection. It’s often a defense rooted in fear of judgment or past pain. They may desperately want to be understood, but feel unsure how to let you in.
6. “What’s even the point?”
This phrase is a red flag for hopelessness. It signals that your adult child may question their purpose or will to keep going. I think it needs to be heard with deep care.
7. “I’m fine.”
As I described in my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, this classic brush-off is emotional armor—especially when delivered too quickly or flatly. And when it’s overused, it often means, “I don’t feel safe enough to tell you the truth right now.”
Real-Life Examples
- Lucas*, 25, kept saying, “I’m just trying to get through the day.” His parents thought he was adjusting to his new job. In therapy, he admitted he was having panic attacks and secretly drinking to cope.
- Maria, 29, always said, “I don’t want to talk about it” when her mom asked how she was doing. It wasn’t until her mom gently said, “You don’t have to say anything—but I want you to know I see you,” that Maria started to open up.
What Parents Can Do
- Listen beneath the surface. These phrases are clues. Pay attention to tone, timing, and repetition.
- Validate their experience. Instead of offering solutions, try: “That sounds hard. I’m here if you want to talk. “
- Don’t take it personally. Emotional pain often makes people withdraw, not because of you, but because they’re overwhelmed.
- Offer steady support. A simple, repeated message like “I love you no matter what” can slowly break through.
- Model openness. Sharing your doubts and feelings can invite more honesty from them.
Final Thought
Your adult child might not say, “Help me.” But if you learn to hear their words, you can become the safe harbour they didn’t know they needed.
* Names have been changed.
