When we first meet and during the embryonic stages of loving relationships, we tend to be on our best behaviour. Yet, way too often, over time, we let down our guard and allow ourselves to respond to our partners in ways that don’t feel good.
It’s human nature to take things for granted. Unfortunately, the same thing happens in our intimate relationships, where we can lose sight of just how precious and special our partners are to us.
The following are some observations I often make in couples that come to see me for couples counselling, specifically related to letting their guard down and treating each other poorly. The good news is that if partners become mindful of their actions and stay respectful, relationships can be repaired and thrive. Yet, if the following three types of behaviours—examples are provided from my practice with names changed—become problematic patterns, most relationships are doomed to fail.
Invalidating each other’s emotions
Saying things like You’re overreacting,” “It’s no big deal,” or “You’re too sensitive” can erode trust. As I describe in my book Why Can’t You Read My Mind?, even if you’re trying to calm things down, such responses can feel dismissive and lead to your partner feeling judged.
A few years ago, Lisa came to see me because she was struggling in her marriage with Aaron. She said, “In the earlier days, Aaron would tell me he was crazy about me, but in the last couple of years, all he does is tell me I’m crazy when I try to talk to him about important things in our relationship.”
A few months later, I received a crisis call from Aaron, whom I had only met once. Aaron begged to come in with Lisa. Lisa begrudgingly agreed to the session. She was ice cold to Aaron as he lay outstretched on the floor in my office. Lisa was resolute: “I’m done!” Their relationship was over.
Keeping score
Being wedded to a mental tally of things like who apologised last, initiated intimacy, or picked up around the house breeds resentment and power struggles.
Ed and Joanna came in for couples counselling with the presenting issue being, “All we ever do is fight.” I asked each of them to dig deep and share one to three things they valued about each other. Ed immediately came up with “Joanna’s a great mom, she was there for me when I lost my job, and she used to be my best friend.” Joanna, while sobbing and glowing with appreciation for Ed’s words at the same time, said, “Ed is loyal, he is a great cook, and he can be super funny.”
That simple exercise of sharing what they appreciated about each other did not instantly fix all their problems, but it did create enough emotional safety for them to take a mental inventory and realise that leading with appreciation and giving each other the benefit of the doubt was a healthier approach for their relationship.
Stonewalling
As described by relationship expert John Gottman, stonewalling can feel maddening. Typical stonewalling means shutting down and refusing to communicate. Given that the hallmark of any healthy relationship is the ability to have calm, constructive conversations, stonewalling does not bode well for any relationship’s future.
Emma sat in my office with her arms rigidly crossed, quiet and refusing to talk when Sam tried to discuss finances. She said, “This right here, Sam, the way I am acting is how you are when I try to bring up money. You check out just like I am doing here.”
Sam looked as if a truck had hit him in that moment. He started sobbing and shared, “I am so sorry, Emma. That is how my mom looked whenever I asked her for something and she was in a bad mood. Now I realize she was super anxious about money and did not know how to talk about it.”
Final Thoughts
Relationships need mindful nurturing to ensure that they remain strong. The more you avoid dismissing feelings, keeping score, and stonewalling, the smoother the sailing will be in your relationship’s future.
