How to Be a Safe Space for Others
We all want to feel safe with others, like we are understood and accepted, and that we belong. I’d be hard-pressed to find someone who didn’t want others to feel the same way in their presence; most of us want to be there for others in a way that allows them a safe haven and refuge from the stresses of the outside world.
But you might wonder, “How do I become a safe space for others?” Authors Andrew Newburg and Mark Robert Waldman outline these 12 neuroscience-backed ways to help others feel safe in your presence, which comprise the elements of compassionate communication.
1. Relax
Emotions are contagious. The more relaxed you are, the more this emotion will spread to those around you. Allow your body to be open and easy so that you can fully listen and others feel soothed and comfortable around you on a biological level. To help yourself relax, try stretching and taking breaths with an extended exhale.
2. Stay present
In today’s world of constant distraction and hustle, knowing that you have someone’s full attention can be wonderfully refreshing. Being heard, seen, and understood is incredibly soothing to the nervous system. Focus the conversation and your full attention on your partner — be entirely with the person in front of you.
3. Cultivate inner silence
As you stay present with your partner, you will notice distractions coming up. You will have other thoughts come into your mind: Things that you have to get done, regrets from the past, or random seemingly unrelated memories or curiosities. Allow these other thoughts and preoccupations to pass like leaves on a stream in front of you as you focus your attention on the other and the words they are communicating.
4. Increase positivity
When we hear something negative from another person, it not only shifts our mood but can also send the signal that they are too preoccupied to be supportive or fully trusted. While expressing our negative emotions and not keeping them inside is still important, don’t forget to express the positive ones as well. Psychologist John Gottman’s research suggests that aiming for a ratio of expressing five positive things for one negative is beneficial for relationships.
5. Reflect on your deepest values
What core values are closest to your heart? Some examples include love, honesty, authenticity, compassion, kindness, integrity, and curiosity. Take a moment in your communication to become aware of your deepest values and make an effort to embody them in your interactions.
6. Access a pleasant memory
When interacting with someone who exhibits a warm gaze, with softness around the eyes, the brain responds; we feel free from threat and safe in this person’s presence. One way to convey this kind of warmth is to reflect on a pleasant memory and allow yourself to feel the gratitude and love that this memory evokes in you. You can then bring this warmth to your partner. Regular meditation practice can be a valuable tool for enhancing your level of gratitude and contentment, and for helping others feel a natural warmth when they are around you.
7. Observe nonverbal cues
To attune to your partner, take a moment to notice their nonverbal cues: Does their body language appear open and relaxed, or constricted and closed off? Try to approach your observations with kindness and curiosity, allowing yourself to tune in to your partner’s feelings and needs to feel comfortable.
9. Speak warmly
Speaking in a soft tone with a low, gentle pitch has a physiological relaxation effect on our listeners. Speaking in such a warm way conveys acceptance and comfort, and can calm an adult in the same way a cooing mother soothes her baby.
10. Speak slowly
Research shows that the slower we speak, the more the listener can comprehend, and that slow speech relaxes both the listener’s body and the speaker’s body. This results in less stress for both partners and greater understanding between them, even with fewer words. To feel understood and to understand someone else, you might try slowing down instead of spinning your wheels.
11. Speak briefly
When in the speaker role, try to keep it brief. Neuroscience research suggests that we remember the first 30 seconds of someone speaking the best, and comprehension then drops off. This makes sense as 30 seconds is the amount of time that information is stored in “working memory.” Be mindful not to overwhelm your listener; keep it concise and clear.
12. Listen deeply
Beyond being fully present with your partner and cultivating your own inner silence, listen deeply to help them feel safe. Take in their words, feel their emotions alongside them, and allow yourself to experience empathy toward them by validating their feelings.
Helping others feel safe in your presence isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being connected to the moment as well as speaking and listening from the heart. By practising these 12 compassionate communication strategies, you can become a steady and soothing force in your relationships and someone others can truly relax around. When we create emotional safety, we foster more profound connection, trust, and healing for others as well as for ourselves. In a world that often feels chaotic and overwhelming, becoming a safe haven for someone else is one of the most powerful and meaningful gifts we can offer.