How to be kind to yourself
Learning to be kind to yourself is a powerful part of the healing journey. We are always with ourselves. We can cause great damage through self-criticism, judgment, ignoring physical and emotional needs, and more. And we can also provide great comfort.
Being kind to yourself is a skill you can build. It takes time and, like other skills, gets easier with practice.
The first step is to practice awareness. When am I neglecting myself? When am I being mean to myself? You may catch your thoughts saying something hurtful (“I can’t believe you just said that”) or making a negative self-judgment (“You’re so stupid”). You may also identify behaviours that go against your needs, like going out when you don’t want to or saying yes to a project when you’re already swamped. The first step to being kind to yourself is recognizing when you are being unkind. Building this awareness can occur through journaling, talking with a trusted friend or family member, or during therapy.
The second step is to separate from the unkind voice, which you can approach in a few different ways:
1. The Neuroscience Approach
Your unkind thoughts come from an automatic thought network, called the “default mode network” (DMN). Compared to your other thought network (the “central executive network,” or CEN), it is relatively primitive, harkening back to our hunter-gatherer days when survival was contingent on being accepted by the clan. This voice picks up all the “shoulds” of the world and feeds them back to you. It harps on you when it thinks you have failed or stepped out of line. When your thoughts spiral and go dark, it’s the DMN. You don’t create these spirals. The DMN does. It is self-critical, judgmental, and loves to talk. When you call it out (There you are, DMN!), you put space between you and this negative voice.
When you catch the DMN in action, try focusing on something else. Putting your attention on something activates the CEN and turns off the DMN. These networks are like a light switch: When one is running, the other is off, and vice-versa. Getting in the “present moment” has become a popular wellness concept because it is a CEN hack. The DMN lives in the past and future, and being mindful of what’s happening in the “now” turns on the CEN.
2. The Therapeutic Approach
Another way to separate from the unkind voice is to see it as a “Part.” In the popular therapy method called Internal Family Systems (IFS), a person is recognized as a group of Parts. For example, the inner child represents you at a younger age, managers set up rules and habits to keep you running effectively in your environment, and firefighters protect you when you are in real or perceived danger. Then there is the Self—the nonjudgmental, observing part of you that is all-loving and all-knowing. When you are unkind to yourself, it is typically a manager or firefighter who believes it is protecting you. They push you to overwork, accept things you don’t want to do, or hide how you’re truly feeling—all in an attempt to keep the peace and keep you safe.
The next time you are being hard on yourself, talk to that voice. What is it trying to protect you from? How does it feel it is helping? See if you can access the Self by connecting with the deeper, quieter, loving part of yourself. As the Self, offer the negative Part of compassion. It tried its best to help. The Self can tell the Part that it can stop working so hard. The Self is taking care of us, so that Part can sit back and calm down, bringing relief and healing.
Whether you dismiss your self-critical thoughts using a neuroscience approach or find compassion for your parts with IFS, both achieve the same end, helping you to “break up” with your self-criticism. You are less likely to spiral when you stop believing the negative thoughts are true.
If this process seems insurmountable or makes you uncomfortable, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. It can be powerful to work through these steps with a counsellor who can hold space and offer support along the way.