How to get attention and create attraction

How can you attract a date or mate for the relationship you want? According to biologists, animals signal mating interest through something called proceptivity and proceptive behaviours. Such behaviours actively encourage and initiate further interaction with partners, and go beyond simply being passive or receptive.

Nevertheless, unlike our primate cousins, we humans don’t exactly go around flashing our rump to flirt and show interest (well, mostly). So, does proceptive behaviour even operate in human attraction? And, if so, what behaviours are effective and why? Fortunately, as usual, research has the answers…

Proceptivity and Attracting Interest

In an exploratory study, Clark (2008) evaluated whether people acting in a proceptive manner would appear more attractive and engaging than when they were acting in a non-receptive manner. To test this effect, actors were recorded answering interview questions, behaving as though they were trying to encourage (proceptive) or discourage (non-receptive) further interaction with an interviewer. Furthermore, the interaction was filmed with the actors directly facing the camera (looking at the viewer) and from the side (looking at the interviewer).

Clark then showed those videos to participant raters of the opposite sex and asked them about their impressions. Participants rated the actors as significantly more attractive when those actors were trying to encourage further interaction (behaving in a proceptive manner) than when they were trying to discourage further interaction (behaving in a non-receptive way). This was true for both male and female actors.

Beyond that, however, the focus of an actor’s proceptivity also had an impact on participants’ ratings. Specifically, more attractive actors (3/10 or higher) were judged most attractive when they were acting proceptively toward the participant herself or himself (i.e. at the camera). In contrast, less attractive actors were judged most appealing when they were acting proceptively toward the interviewer, and the participant was watching the interaction from the side.

Given those results, it appears that proceptive behaviours do get more attention and increase attraction with potential mates. Nevertheless, depending on the physical attractiveness of the individual, whether they act proceptively in a direct or indirect manner can matter too. So, to maximise the attraction effect for different people, we need to learn about specific proceptive behaviours, and whether they are direct or indirect as well.

Attraction and Enacted Behaviour

An answer to those questions was provided by Montoya, Kershaw, and Prosser (2018), who conducted a meta-analysis on articles looking at the association between different types of behaviours and attraction. Their goal was to discover the specific behaviours that signalled someone’s own interest and attraction to a potential mate (i.e., proceptive behaviours). The team also wanted to provide a theoretical explanation as to why those specific behaviours were interpersonally significant.

Analyzing 309 effect sizes from 54 previous empirical works, Montoya, Kershaw, and Prosser (2018) found that only 11 behaviors were significantly related to self-reported attraction. Furthermore, they were categorised as indirect, direct, or speed dating-related behaviours. Thus, the categories and behaviours were as follows:

• Indirect Behaviours: Eye gaze duration and frequency, mimicry, laughter, smile frequency, and head nodding.
• Direct Behaviours: Interpersonal closeness (sitting/standing distance), amount of talking (word count), and duration of talking.
• Speed Dating Behaviours: Repeatedly saying yes (“yessing”) and asking for future contact.

Comparing those categories of behaviours, Montoya, Kershaw, and Prosser (2018) discovered that they differed in how well they signalled attraction and interest. As might be expected, speed dating behaviours were most highly related to attraction, followed by direct behaviours, and with indirect behaviours coming in third (but still significant). Nevertheless, the team found that those vague and indirect behaviours served an important purpose. Specifically, they were ways of still showing interest in situations where someone was worried about negative evaluation and rejection.

Through that pattern of findings, Montoya, Kershaw, and Prosser (2018) also identified the purpose of attraction signalling and proceptive behaviours. Essentially, such behaviours are ways of developing or restoring interdependence and building trust. In other words, they initiate interactions and strengthen relationship connections, either directly or indirectly. So, we’re not so different from other animals after all!

Being Proceptive Yourself

Given the results above, if you want to get someone’s attention and pique their interest, then try some proceptive behaviours. Begin indirectly, by glancing their way, making eye contact, and then smiling. As I discuss in my book Attraction Psychology (Nicholson, 2022), just a glance and a smile can start a connection, and it is easy, indirect, and proceptive too!

If the other person reciprocates your eye contact and smiles back, you have some indirect indication that they are interested in connecting with you as well. So, be sure to reward their response with a head nod and a smile back. Maintain eye contact again for a second or so, too. After that, however, someone will have to directly approach, break the ice, and start a conversation—either you or them.

Fortunately, there are benefits to being bold and direct. Given that women find assertiveness and social skills desirable, making a direct proceptive approach can be particularly effective for men to build attraction. Nevertheless, women can also benefit from initiating a conversation, rather than just being passive and hoping someone will talk to them, too.

In either case, however, there is a tradeoff between approaching and being approached, especially in terms of avoiding rejection, while testing the other person’s interest. Because of that tradeoff, some individuals benefit from an indirect approach (as noted above), whereas others are better off being more direct. So, go with what works best for you.

No matter what you choose, being proceptive to the best of your ability creates more interest and attraction than simply looking receptive (and is way better than looking disinterested). So, when you find yourself attracted to a potential date (or even your current mate), at least make eye contact and give them a smile. You might just be surprised at the interest and connection it creates!