How to make your spouse fall in love with you

Sometimes in public, we see young couples who appear completely focused on each other, as if becoming acquainted on a first date.

When older couples are smiling, laughing, and interacting in the same way, we assume the same thing—that they are back on the dating scene after having been widowed or divorced, often only to learn they are celebrating their golden anniversary after 50 years of marriage.

Why do they appear as giddy as a couple on a first date? Perhaps, because they are not married to their devices, but committed to each other.

The Allure of Attention

One of the easiest ways to rekindle romance is through authentic, selective attention. Suat Kılıçarslan and İzzet Parmaksız (2023) explored the mediating role of communication skills on the link between marriage satisfaction and the phenomenon of phubbing–defined as ignoring a conversation partner and focusing on their devices in social environments.[i] They note that phubbing negatively affects relationships, diminishes the quality of romance, creates conflict, and erodes positive feelings between partners.

On the flip side, Kılıçarslan and Parmaksız found a link between communication skills and marital quality. Studying 712 married individuals with an average age of 37 years, they found a significant positive correlation between communication sub-dimensions such as effective listening, self-revelation, empathy, and marital satisfaction.

Increasing Marital Intimacy

Zoleikha Kamali and colleagues (2020) examined 14 participants (7 couples) and a series of factors that enhanced marital intimacy:

1) family
2) duration of marriage
3) reciprocity in self-sacrifice
4) gratitude
5) new shared activity
6) parenthood
7) joint social networks
8) religion.

Their research highlighted the relevance of two new factors, in particular: self-sacrifice and gratitude, within the population they studied, Iranian collectivist culture.

Yet as many happy couples know, most of the factors discussed in this research are universal expressions of love and respect. Here are some ways to incorporate them into daily life to fall in love all over again.

The Gift of Prime Time. Busy couples miss each other during the most optimal times of the day when one wants to talk. Learn the time blocks when your partner feels most talkative. Some people are not functional until morning coffee, while others get a second wind late at night. Being available and approachable during predictable periods of animation is a selfless way of expressing love through attention.

Practice Presence. Knowing your partner’s sharing routine is only the first step, the next is being intentionally present and device-free when your partner is in a talkative mood. Active listening is intentional, but does not need to be instrumental. Many spouses who are natural-born “fixers” listen to problems, singularly focused on how they can help, when an empathetic ear is most needed. “That sounds like a difficult meeting,” demonstrates caring and compassion, rather than merely offering a “solution” to a challenging day.

Put Passion into Practice. Because shared activity promotes closeness, select joint activities that your partner enjoys. You will know what these are if you are present and actively listening when your partner likes to talk. From fly fishing to flying, painting to pickleball, plan to put passion into practice. Planning the activity is part of the fun.

Refocusing on the significance of significant others allows couples to recreate the conditions that led them down the aisle in the first place and continue to enjoy life at its best, together.