How to start living the life you deserve

Nothing can rattle your sense of invincibility and security quite like a rupture in normalcy: losing a job, getting a life-changing medical diagnosis, experiencing a breakup, or losing a loved one.

The reactions these crises spur may differ between you and the next person, but the feeling of existential dread they offer is almost universal.

Unfortunately, modern culture doesn’t make much room for the discomfort of these events. We’re told to just “stay positive” and that we’ll quickly “bounce back.” But no matter what we or others tell ourselves, the sadness and unease they bring always linger in some way or another.

This unease, however, is not the problem. Rather, it’s likely that we expect not to feel it.

Existential psychologist professor Pninit Russo-Netzer, the author of a 2025 study published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, explained to me that these unsettling moments may hold the key to a more authentic life. “Feeling shaken or anxious in the face of upheaval is not a sign of weakness. It is a deeply human response,” she said.

Instead of pushing past the discomfort, she suggests that we should instead start using it as a doorway into what she calls “existential authenticity.” Here’s how, according to her 2025 study.

Existential Authenticity

Existential authenticity is the act of being true to existence in and of itself, rather than being true to yourself in a trite sense. Russo-Netzer puts it plainly: “Existential authenticity is about living with a clear awareness of the fragile, finite, and uncertain nature of human existence, and still taking responsibility for one’s choices.”

Philosophers have been wrestling with questions surrounding existence and authenticity for centuries. As research from Current Directions in Psychological Science notes, existential psychologists suggest that there are five ultimate concerns in human life:

1. Identity
2. Mortality
3. Freedom
4. Meaning
5. Isolation

Although we cannot escape these themes in our lives, nor the dread they may instill within us, we can nevertheless choose how we respond to them.

Russo-Netzer refers to Martin Heidegger in her study, one of existentialism’s central figures. He described two central states of being within life: forgetfulness of being — in which we operate on autopilot, absorbed in routines and cultural expectations — and mindfulness of being — in which we step back, confront life’s uncertainties, and deliberately choose our lifepath.

Transformative Life Experiences

If being existentially authentic sounds abstract, then you can start by imagining a moment in which life seemingly pulled the rug out from under you.

Russo-Netzer describes these moments as transformative life experiences. She defines them as “an earthquake in your personal world.” Continuing, she explains, “It shakes the foundations of how you’ve understood reality and opens up new ground for building something different.”

These experiences can differ in many ways, from person to person. Some are clearly seismic, like bereavement, illness, or war. Others are less explicit, but just as destabilizing, like migration, moments of awe, or other major transitions in life — such as parenthood or retirement. The common thread, however, is that they disrupt the taken-for-granted narratives within our lives. In turn, they open a window to what Russo-Netzer calls situational freedom.

In her prior research, she heard stories as varied as:

• A sudden death, which pushed someone to leave their unfulfilling marriage.
• A powerful embodied sense of expansion that shifted a person’s career choice in its entirety.
• An HIV diagnosis that broke through a person’s denial, which forced a sudden sense of self-confrontation.

Each case, although totally different in appearance, somehow still allows us to observe the same phenomenon: that upheaval confronts us with fragility, but also with endless possibilities. “Such events remind us that life is unstable and fragile,” she says. “They raise the question: Given this fragility, how do I want to live?”

Authentic vs. Inauthentic Coping

However, not everyone embraces tragedy as an opportunity to live life on their own terms; in fairness, it looks much easier on paper than it is in actuality.

Some of us may instead fall into avoidance. We compartmentalize and cling to our routines for dear life. Sartre, another existentialist thinker Russo-Netzer cites, called this “bad faith:” fleeing from freedom by pretending that all of our choices in life are predetermined.

“Inauthentic coping often emerges when people default to avoidance — immersing in routines, numbing or over-identifying with roles,” she explained. In a way, it’s how we shield ourselves from the anxiety, tragedy, or change that instills. Yet, it also traps us within a life that may still feel hollow.

Authentic coping, on the other hand, demands we remain curious about our lives and ourselves. We must make the meaning we wish to feel in our lives, and be courageous enough to never stop searching for it. With this viewpoint, we then start treating our anxiety as a source of information about our needs and wants, rather than as an illness or a symptom.

Russo-Netzer emphasizes three conditions that make it easier to engage with our anxiety and dread, rather than simply avoiding it altogether:

1. Staying open to uncertainty. If we’re willing to tolerate our own discomfort, we can face groundlessness head-on instead of falling into it.
2. Creating frameworks of meaning. Our relationships, communities, and spirituality are our greatest lifelines. They are perhaps the means for us to start viewing our anxiety as a product of our growth, instead of as a threat to our existence.
3. Using our values as anchors. If everything feels unstable, all you can do is remember what matters most to you. This is the compass that gives you direction in life.

Without these supports, free will can feel utterly paralyzing. But with them, we can start seeing it for what it is: true freedom. When we give our anxiety power — or treat it as something that threatens us — then we are bound to fight, flee, or freeze in the face of it. But when you treat it as information, you can harness it as a source of energy and direction.