How to use your device without ruining your date

We have all seen couples dining in public who are totally out of sync. One is completely glued to his or her smartphone while the other examines the menu, the décor, or the other patrons. This behaviour is called phubbing, which means ignoring a partner to focus on a phone.

However, there are times when you may observe this behaviour continue almost the entire time the couple is at the restaurant, yet the invisible partner never seems to become upset. Why? Perhaps because he or she does not take the behaviour personally. Research explains.

When Phubbing is Not Snubbing: A Matter of Perception

Suat Kılıçarslan and İzzet Parmaksız (2023) explored the mediating role of communication skills on the link between marriage satisfaction and phubbing, which they defined as ignoring a conversation partner to focus on one’s device in social environments.[i] They note that phubbing negatively impacts relationships, diminishes the quality of romance, creates conflict, and erodes positive feelings between partners.

Studying 712 married individuals with an average age of 37 years, they found a significant positive correlation between the communication sub-dimensions and marital satisfaction. But there were exceptions.

Although Kılıçarslan and Parmaksız found that phubbing decreased marital satisfaction, the impact depended on the interpretation offered by the partner being affected. They note that 75% of adults view phubbing by a partner as “uncouth,” as opposed to intentional or personal. They explain that it is intentional phubbing that is most damaging to relationship satisfaction.

Acknowledging that phubbing has become socially acceptable, Kılıçarslan and Parmaksız nonetheless note that affected individuals who are ignored during in-person interaction experience anger, regret, and self-reproach, which can reduce the quality of communication. And because phubbing is effectively being ignored, partners experience less relational intimacy, which can damage relationships over time.

Frequency matters too. Kılıçarslan and Parmaksız note that for disaffected partners, daily phubbing elevates feelings of anger and creates higher levels of negative emotions such as resentment and retaliation. They also note that phubbing threatens the experience of belonging, which reduces the quality of communication.

Communication Compensation: Balancing Your Smartphone and Your Spouse

Although phubbing directly impacts marital satisfaction, Kılıçarslan and Parmaksız found that communication style mediates the link. Couples can counteract the damage and increase marital satisfaction by using positive communication skills such as effective listening, and empathy-developing language.

One of the most practical takeaways from phubbing research is the importance of attention. Active listening and attentive presence create chemistry, soothe negativity, and de-escalate conflict. Within an intended lifelong relationship of love and respect, barring exceptions for emergencies, spouses should strategise time blocks to use the phone away from their partner. Many previously-ignored partners respond to this renewed attention immediately and might not even realise why they suddenly desire more time with a newly attentive partner who has become present, both physically and emotionally.

For anyone who doubts their ability to go technologically cold turkey, preparation is key. Communicate unavailability in advance, if necessary, in both personal and professional contexts, prioritising interpersonal engagement over electronic enslavement. And prepare to renew and revitalise your marriage.