Is There a Right Way to Potty Train?

My experience with motherhood, like that of most moms, has been a rollercoaster. But overall, I look back on the first two years of my daughter’s life with a lot of fondness.

Like a lot of moms, I had a long and difficult labor, dealt with postpartum depression, and struggled with breastfeeding. Yet potty training was the thing that nearly broke me.

Before we started, I read two popular books: the classic Oh Crap! and Potty Training in 3 Days. These books couldn’t be more different.

Potty Training in 3 Days by Brandi Brucks has you start your child off in underwear. Oh Crap! by Jamie Glowacki starts them off completely naked. Brucks recommends a toilet insert; Glowacki says to buy a little potty. Glowacki suggests starting as early as 20 months; Brucks says wait until 30. Brucks uses rewards and incentives; Glowacki is firmly against them. Glowacki warns about over-cueing your child, while Brucks says you can’t remind them enough. Yet both authors insist that their method is the best way to potty train your child.

We decided to go for it with our 26-month-old daughter using Brucks’ method, mostly because a three-day outcome sounded amazing—we could even get it done over a long weekend. We got the toilet insert, made a sticker chart, and talked all week about the bunny cookies she would get for peeing and pooping in the potty.

On Friday morning, I was energetic and excited; by Friday night, I was in tears. I was exhausted, disappointed, and ready to never have another child again. Over the next few days, we ended up cobbling together a mix of both methods, and she started showing progress day by day.

Needless to say, potty training is hard. On top of that, it turns out that there is no well-known standard for when you should start, and how exactly you should go about it, leaving parents with books like Oh Crap! and Potty Training in 3 Days that often lead to more confusion and stress.

Potty Training: Where Do We Begin?

There are many popular methods, each of which promotes different strategies.

There’s the traditional Brazelton method, originating in the 1960s, which typically starts at 18 months and depends on both the child’s and parents’ readiness to train—the child’s physical readiness (e.g., being able to control the bladder), and the child and parents’ emotional readiness. Dr. Spock’s method is similar, also originating in the late 1960s, and advocating for a child-oriented approach where there are no absolute rules, and the training goes at the child’s pace.

Then there is Foxx and Azrin’s method from the 1970s that is more structured and parent-oriented and involves scheduled time on the potty with positive reinforcement (Kiddoo, 2012). More recently, methods like those described in Oh Crap! and Potty Training in 3 Days have gained popularity. These are faster and more intense, involving letting toddlers walk around naked or in their underwear all day, so that they learn to recognize the need to go as they have accidents.

Once you have a method in mind, when exactly do you begin? Many of the older, more traditional methods suggest starting at 18 months, but potty training is happening at later and later ages. In the 1950s through 1980s, potty training was typically complete by about 28 months, but in the early 2000s, only 40 to 60 percent of children were done by age 3 (Blum et al., 2004).

Why are people starting later? One possibility is that disposable diapers have become more affordable and convenient, reducing the urgency for early training. On the other hand, some families choose to start sooner because of concerns about the environmental impact of diapers, which can take hundreds of years to decompose. However, despite these very practical factors, newer studies suggest there may be little developmental benefit to intensive training before 27 months of age.

What it seems to come down to is whether your child is physically and emotionally ready. Physically, children can’t go through the night without doing a number two until around 22 months in girls and 25 months in boys. The ability to pull underwear up independently develops around 30 months in girls and 34 months in boys. Most of the time, kids don’t fully master all of these skills until after the age of two (Choby & George, 2008). Then there is the cognitive and emotional readiness that includes being able to follow directions, take feedback, and learn from mistakes.

And even if your child is ready to start early, there is a clear trade-off: In one study of 406 kids who started potty training between 17 and 19 months of age, the earlier in age they started, the earlier in age they finished—but the earlier they started, the longer it took (Blum et al., 2003).

In other words, if you start early, you’ll probably have a toddler who is potty-trained sooner. But you might also have a toddler who takes longer to potty train than if you started later, closer to preschool age.

The Truth About Potty Training

The bad news is that there isn’t really a gold standard in terms of advice and methods for potty training. The truth is, it’s hard. It’s slow. And it often feels like it’s not working.

So, if you want to start early, you will probably have a child who is potty trained early, but it might take you weeks and possibly months to finish. If you want to start late, you’ll likely have a child who is potty trained late, but it will likely take you a shorter amount of time to train.

The good news is that, barring serious developmental challenges, virtually all children eventually go to the bathroom by themselves. Take what helps, leave what doesn’t, and give your child the space to learn in the way that works best for them.

In the end, it might be less stressful to remember that there is no right way to potty train—there is only what feels right for you and your child.