Keeping your cool when pushy people don’t respect boundaries
I teach at a large University, and I have over 200 students per semester. I try to treat them all as individuals and give them the attention they deserve, but to do so, I have to set boundaries.
For example, a student sent me a letter excusing them from class. I agreed to allow them to skip the class but reminded them they were still responsible for completing an upcoming assignment.
Weeks after the assignment’s due date had passed, the student, who never completed the assignment, tried to convince me that their letter warranted an extension. When I referred to our original correspondence, they continued to push, trying to convince me that I was wrong. This went on for several sets of emails.
We’ve all been there. Most people find this kind of brash, perhaps arrogant behaviour annoying. However, my frazzled reaction reminded me of other times when someone’s refusal to accept a gentle “no” left me in a tizzy. I needed to reflect on why pushy behaviour was getting me so riled up, and to consider how to cope better so that I wouldn’t lose another night’s sleep.
Adages like “The squeaky wheel gets the grease” attest to the power of advocating for yourself, but situations like this one reveal that there can also be a dark side to persistence, and it can harm important relationships.
As a psychologist and professor, I appreciate the value of self-advocacy, and I encourage it. For example, when a student seeks guidance about how to improve their grades and subsequently rises to the challenge, it is one of the most rewarding aspects of college teaching. Similarly, I feel pride when therapy clients push through their anxiety to let others know what they want or need.
In contrast, though, I suspect I’m dealing with pushy behaviour when the person’s persistence feels more like an aggressive act than advocacy.
I’ve come to understand that there is a pattern to the pushy interactions I have been a part of. First, I define and set a boundary, which, for a people-pleaser like me, isn’t easy, but done out of a sense of fairness and/or self-preservation. The boundary is ignored. Then, adding insult to injury, the person implies that the boundary is unreasonable.
I’ve had to learn to manage my anger in response to pushiness the hard way. Years ago, while volunteering for a non-profit organisation, I stormed off after months of putting up with the organiser, who micromanaged me in annoying ways, such as insisting on inconsequential tasks.
The problem was that I had hinted that their concerns were excessive, but I guess they hadn’t gotten the memo.
I’ve come to realise that such conflicts erupt from disagreements about what constitutes reasonable expectations versus unreasonable demands.
I’ve also realised that underlying feelings of threat are at the root of my frustration with others’ pushiness.
Threat often comes from self-doubt that gets stirred when others imply that what I think is a reasonable boundary is unreasonable, as was the case with the brash student and the organiser.
Ultimately, every one of us is responsible for remaining composed, even in the face of pushiness. Here are some tips for keeping your chill when dealing with pushy or verbally aggressive behaviour:
- Reframe pushiness as a learned behaviour and a skills deficit: It’s likely that the person has learned from past experiences that pushing harder gets them what they want. It’s likely that they have occasionally (or even often) worn someone down enough to get their way.
Reframing pushy behaviour as a skills deficit won’t necessarily solve your immediate problem, but it can keep you from personalising others’ pushiness and also might allow room for compassion.
- Be your own activist: It’s possible that someone’s pushiness is fueled by a bias toward an aspect of your identity (gender, race, a personality trait like agreeableness), which leads the person to believe they deserve to get their own way and can get away with manipulating you.
If the behaviour constitutes discrimination, though, seek the assistance of a higher authority. If you believe seeking such assistance wouldn’t be helpful, you can still self-validate your anger and use it to strengthen your resolve in the boundary you are setting.
If you hold your ground without losing your cool, you can feel victorious, no matter what the ultimate outcome.
- Revisit feelings about boundary-setting: Consider that the pushy person’s bark might be louder than their bite. Consulting with a trusted peer or colleague might help you gain clarification about actual versus perceived risks.
Also, consider if perfectionism, such as a need to set a perfect boundary, is affecting your mood. Such reactions are common in people pleasers, who also tend to have more trouble setting boundaries.
During a moment of calm, reassess the actual magnitude of the risks you are perceiving. Consider alternatives. Could you redefine your boundaries? Could you live with feeling like you “lost” the battle?
- Call out the behaviour: It can be helpful to explicitly tell the person that they are not respecting boundaries you have set. Our culture looks down upon boundary violations, so labelling their behaviour as such might be the wake-up call the person needs.
Knowing that many people have been frustrated and even harmed by pushy behaviour can help you feel heard. Taking comfort in this solidarity could be a first step to feeling more confident in managing pushiness without also losing your cool.