The stakes are super high when it comes to effective (or ineffective) communication. As a psychologist, I hear many stories about “misses”. Clients frequently share with me the pain of miscommunications, misunderstandings, and missed opportunities. These “misses” leave people not only feeling disconnected but also often feeling disappointed, hurt, and angry.
There’s More to Consider Than Just Your Words
Given the reality that so many miscommunications derail conversations and connections, we often hear that we must choose our words carefully. Who can argue with that point? Words are essential, indeed, and it’s important to pick them mindfully.
At the same time, two often overlooked culprits that can sabotage effective and meaningful conversation are tone and timing. If you pay attention to both of these crucial elements of communication, you will dramatically increase the odds of being understood and having people desire to open up to you. Let’s examine what both mean and how to optimize them.
Think of Tone as the Music of Your Message
One of my best communication mentors, my mother, shared with me from an early age that our words matter, but our tone speaks louder. Based on my hours of family and marriage counseling, as well as personal coaching sessions, I have repeatedly observed that a calm, curious tone invites openness. In contrast, a harsh or sarcastic tone shuts others down.
The more you align your tone with a positive intention, the more meaningful a connection you will achieve. Consider the following examples below, which illustrate derailing versus connecting tones:
Partner Conversation
Derailing Tone: “You never listen!”
Connecting Tone: “I want us both to feel heard. Can we talk for a few minutes when you feel ready?”
Parent to Preteen (Late for School)
Derailing Tone: “Ugh, I thought I could rely on you to be ready! Looks like that is not happening.”
Connecting Tone: “We need to leave in 10. What can I do to help us get out the door on time?”
Work Email Exchange
Derailing Tone: “You forgot to include the attachments—again.“
Connecting Tone: “I know you intended to share them, but it looks like the attachments did not come through. Can you please send them again?”
The shared theme among the above tone examples is that optimal communication tone comes from softening your intensity, being collaborative, and being willing to problem-solve.
Timing Is Everything
Even your best words can land the wrong way when you engage with someone when either you or they are not emotionally regulated. Choosing more favorable times to engage opens the door for a quality connection and conversation. Below are some examples of poor timing and better communication timing.
Partners Example
Poor Timing: Asking your partner to make an essential financial decision when walking in the door after a stressful day of work.
Better Timing: Suggesting you both relax over dinner, reconnect, and then discuss the financial matter when you are both feeling calmer.
Parenting Example
Poor Timing: Bringing up your teen’s messy room as soon as they get home after school.
Better Timing: Wait until they have a snack and some downtime, and calmly revisit room expectations (gently remind them that they feel less stressed when they can find their things in a more organized room). As an aside, recently a mom in my counseling practice realized her “defiant child” was much less oppositional after she became better attuned to the timing of requests with her teen son.
Work Example
Poor Timing: Correcting/rebuking a colleague during a team meeting.
Better Timing: Taking the colleague aside after the meeting or reaching out in another way and providing feedback in a supportive and constructive manner.
The common thread in these timing examples is to favor connection over urgency. A brief internal pause on your part or even asking, “Is this a good time?” will likely enhance connection rather than create disconnection and rifts.
Takeaway: Timing + Tone = Connection
I hope that after reading this post, you will agree with all the years of my mom’s advice: “Jeff, timing and tone.” Based on my career of seeing how people ail, fail, and prevail when it comes to connecting with each other, I think she was right.
The right tone creates the emotional music someone will want to listen to, and good timing helps ensure they will actually hear it. So, always ask yourself if your tone matches your intention and if it is the right time to say it. Mastering these two “T”s goes a long way in building trust and connection in every relationship.
