The 4-Letter Word That Destroys Countless Relationships

If you think about it, it sounds like you’re doing the right thing; maybe you can even think of it as being noble. I mean, what could be more reasonable than wanting things to be fair?

But after 34 years and approximately 42,000 clinical hours of listening to counselling clients, I can assert that “fair” is the four-letter word that quietly wrecks relationships.

Please hear me out. It’s not because fairness itself is wrong, but because our deeply ingrained sense of it is often flawed, rigid, and entirely based on what we perceive as “right.” We tell ourselves, I want what’s fair, but what we’re saying is, I like what I think I deserve. That’s the fairness trap.

Fairness is one of the most powerful cognitive heuristics—mental shortcuts we use to judge right from wrong, and who is doing their share. It’s fast, intuitive, and emotional. Yet like many heuristics, it often leads us astray.

The Problem With Our Fairness Reflex

Research indicates that fairness judgments activate strong emotional and motivational circuits, particularly when individuals perceive inequality. Furthermore, perceptions of unfairness reliably activate neural regions associated with distress, anger, and responses to punishment.

Yet given that our perceptions are shaped by how we uniquely experience the world, fairness isn’t objective. It’s based on personal perception—how much effort we feel we’re putting in, and how much we think others are giving back.

Trust me, I see this play out in parenting, couples, work situations, and family-owned businesses. Interestingly, “That’s not fair” is also one of the most frequently used phrases by emotionally reactive children, which I further explain in “10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.” We rarely account for the invisible acts of kindness, such as behind-the-scenes thoughts, or effort, unspoken expectations, or differing capacities.

Examples of How Fairness Backfires in Real Life

In romantic relationships

Take, for example, a couple I saw in my practice, Lisa and Jordan (names changed to protect their privacy). Lisa feels she’s doing everything—the emotional labor, the cleaning, the social planning. Jordan, on the other hand, feels his long workdays and financial support should count for more. Both think they’re being unfairly treated. Both feel underappreciated. And both dig in.

At work

Someone else gets a promotion. You think I worked just as hard! But without insight into the whole decision-making process, violations of fairness become a story you tell yourself—and one that quietly poisons your view of your team, your boss, and your future.

Among friends

You always reach out to them. You remember birthdays. You give more. So when your friend doesn’t reciprocate in the same way, you feel taken for granted.

Maybe their bandwidth is different. Perhaps they only show up in crises, not in day-to-day life. Still, fairness becomes the frame, and the friendship starts to crack.

A Better Question Than “Is This Fair?”

It’s easy to keep score. It’s harder—but healthier—to get lean into being curious. Instead of defaulting to fairness, ask:

• Is this working for both of us?
• Do we understand and appreciate what each person brings to the table?
• Are my expectations clear, or just silently tallied?

Final Thoughts

Fairness isn’t a problem—it’s the attachment to fairness that becomes one. When “what’s fair” becomes more important than connection, communication, or compassion, it becomes a relationship killer in disguise.

The bottom line is that the more tightly we cling to fairness, the less flexible we become in navigating the complexities of real life. True relationship strength lies not in keeping a perfect score, but in showing up generously, even when the “relationship math” doesn’t always add up.