The 5-letter word every parent needs to use

When you’ve spent years helping children heal, you start to notice something. Certain words hold incredible power—they can soothe, guide, and build resilience in ways we might never expect.

I’ve written before about the three-letter word child psychologists love and the four-letter word we wish parents would retire. But today, I want to introduce you to a simple, five-letter word that might just transform your parenting.

That word? “Later.”

Why Posttraumatic Parents Struggle With “Later”

For many parents, “later” is a simple, neutral word. But for posttraumatic parents—those of us who carry the scars of childhood wounds—”later” can feel loaded.

If you grew up in a home where your needs were dismissed, where “later” meant never, or where asking for something led to anger or rejection, then you might find yourself struggling to use this word with your own children.

Posttraumatic parents often parent with an unspoken promise to our kids: I will never make you feel the way I felt. And that promise, while born from love, can lead to unintentional overcorrection.

Saying “later” might feel wrong because:

• It brings up memories of being ignored or forgotten.
• It seems like a rejection rather than a reassurance.
• It feels like a broken promise because, in our own childhoods, later often meant never.
• It triggers guilt—we want to prove to our children that their needs matter.

But when used correctly, “later” doesn’t dismiss a child’s needs—it teaches patience, emotional regulation, and trust.

How “Later” Builds Emotional Strength

Picture this: Your child asks for a snack 10 minutes before dinner.

A hard no might feel like rejection. Giving in just to avoid a meltdown might reinforce the idea that patience isn’t necessary.

Saying, “You really want a cookie! Now we’re going to eat dinner, and cookie time will be later” teaches them to wait while acknowledging their request.

“Later” is powerful because it:

• Builds frustration tolerance—Kids learn that waiting is OK, that discomfort isn’t dangerous, and that their needs will be met in time.
• Teaches delayed gratification—Research shows that children who develop this skill (hello, Marshmallow Test!) tend to have better impulse control and success later in life.
• Keeps the connection intact—Unlike a harsh no, “later” reassures kids that they’re heard and that their desires matter.
• Empowers parents—We don’t have to drop everything to prove our love. We can hold our boundaries while still showing warmth and care.

When to Use “Later”

Before we get into when to use this word, there’s something crucial to remember: Later only works if later truly comes. If we say “later” but don’t follow through, it becomes an empty promise. It erodes trust instead of building it. If you know you won’t have time to play later, don’t say you will. If you won’t be buying a toy in the foreseeable future, don’t suggest making a plan. We never, ever lie to kids.

When we use “later,” it has to mean something. It has to be real.

1. For everyday wants—A child asks for a cookie before dinner: “You really want a cookie! Now we’re going to eat dinner, and cookie time will be later.” (And later, that cookie actually happens.)
2. To manage big emotions—In the middle of a meltdown, a child demands a new toy: “That toy looks so fun! Right now, we’re not buying toys, but we can make a plan for which toys we’ll buy next later. Tonight, after dinner, we can figure that out together.” (And after dinner, you really do sit down and talk about it.)
3. To encourage independence—When a child wants help tying their shoes: “You’re working so hard on tying your shoes! Try a little on your own now, and I can show you how later.” (And later, you actually sit down and guide them through it.)
4. To protect your own energy—If you’re feeling overwhelmed: “I love playing with you! Right now, I need to finish my coffee, and we’ll play later.” (And when later comes, you do make that time together.)

The power of “later” isn’t in the word itself—it’s in the trust it builds. When our kids learn that later really does come, they feel secure. They develop patience, emotional regulation, and confidence in our consistency. And for posttraumatic parents, that consistency is one of the greatest gifts we can give them.

When Not to Use “Later”

If your child is expressing fear, loneliness, or deep sadness, “later” can sound dismissive. In those moments, connection is the priority. Instead of pushing the conversation away, try:

• “I hear that you’re feeling really upset. I’m right here with you.”
• “You don’t have to go through this alone. Let’s sit together for a little while.”

A child in distress doesn’t need to be taught patience—they need to feel safe.

Healing Ourselves, One “Later” at a Time

For posttraumatic parents, using “later” might feel unnatural at first. It may even trigger old wounds—memories of being told later when what we really needed was love and safety.

But the difference is that now, we are the safe ones.

When we set boundaries with warmth, when we follow through, when we prove to our children that their needs will be met in a structured, predictable way, we aren’t just teaching patience.

We are rewriting our own narratives.

“Later” doesn’t have to mean neglect. It can mean trust. It can mean love.

And maybe, just maybe, it can help us heal, too.