What to remember if you’re afraid to find love again

Modern dating often feels like a huge joke.

We download apps and market ourselves in hopes of finding someone who will love us. We paint ourselves as “ideal” partners but hide who we really are to try to seem more “desirable.” We look for someone who wants us without considering what we might actually need in a partner.

No one wants to be alone, and yet none of us seem ready to let anyone become part of our lives either.

Different terms float in and out of our dating vernacular every year: “situationships,” “breadcrumbing,” “ghosting,” “benching.” When will it end? When will any of us admit that we’re all just afraid to find real, lasting love?

The idea that someone could love me scares me.

It terrifies me. I’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship and later, an emotionally abusive “situationship,” so opening myself back up to someone new has taken a lot of courage. When someone you loved hurt you deeply, making yourself vulnerable to experiencing that hurt again is incredibly scary. You’ve hit rock bottom, and you never want to go back to that place, so why would you ever let someone else become close to you again?

The truth is that you should let others in because they’re not your ex. They’re not the person who hurt you. Sure, you can’t predict how your next relationship will end, but not every person you meet will hurt you. Not every hurt you experience will shatter your world.

With the right person, communication is easy — not violent or anxiety-inducing. With the right person, you can talk about things that harmed you, and you can both choose to move forward and not continue the cycle of hurtful behavior.

It’s not easy to retrain your brain and your body after you’ve experienced trauma.

It takes work. It takes patience. And it takes constant reminders that the person who’s standing in front of you right now is not the same person who hurt you. The person you’re with is asking to be in your life right now. They’re choosing to be here. They simply want a chance to love you and to show you that not everyone you love will hurt you. They are your hope. And they are your healing.

If dating again scares you, you’re not alone.

No one wants their partner to hurt them. And sure, maybe vowing to never date again will ensure that no partner will ever hurt you again. But if you build walls around your heart and never give anyone a chance, don’t you only hurt yourself?

If we stopped doing everything that hurts us sometimes, what would we have left? If your supervisor fires you from a job, do you refuse to apply to another because you worry that it’ll happen again? When you get a paper cut, do you vow to never touch paper again?

We can’t prevent every type of hurt. Life opens us up to monumental hurt, but it also opens us up to equally monumental beauty. There are terrible people in this world, but there are also wonderful ones. Please don’t let the terrible people stop you from meeting the wonderful ones. You need to let yourself try again. You deserve a second chance after you were hurt so deeply. You deserve a love as deep as the love that you gave the person who hurt you.

I know you’re afraid to love again. I am too. But the past is the past, and you can’t let it hold you back anymore. Give someone the chance to love you again.