Why It’s Hard to Make Friends as a Grown-Up

Feelings of loneliness can ambush you anywhere. For a patient of mine, it happened while she was walking past a street-side restaurant. The group of older women at one table was laughing and drinking—possibly too much, judging by the way one began to laugh so hard that white wine sprayed out of her nose.

Seeing this, my patient felt imperfect, as though something deep in her personality had made that kind of connection impossible.

Of course, there was nothing wrong with her. She was young—in her early 30s—and although she’d moved a few times since college, she’d found a high-paying job she enjoyed. She had a boyfriend, while most of her friends had married; some had children. Initially, it was hard to grasp why she felt so isolated. But then I heard the same complaints from other people: successful enough, “doing all the right things” in life, but still lonely.

They’d feel this way while waiting to pick up a child from school, watching other parents chat, and noticing how well they seemed to know each other. Or after getting a promotion at work and realizing they weren’t close enough to their co-workers to celebrate together. Or while scrolling Instagram, catching up on friends’ social lives, and noticing they hadn’t been invited to a recent get-together.

Some very practical reasons can make it challenging to meet new people as you get older. Life transitions, for instance, can do this—like moving to a new neighbourhood or a new city, taking on a new job, having a child, or getting divorced. These events have bigger effects as we age, according to Clark University psychology professor Jeffrey Jensen Arnett. In the years of “emerging adulthood,” between the ages of 18 and 29, the number and intensity of our friendships may be at their highest.

College and graduate school, new careers, and new cities often bring us into contact with similar others and foster strong social lives. “For many people, the friendships formed in school, college, or early work life are the last new friendships they will ever make,” opined Robert D. Putnam in Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community (2000).

But the years afterward, with all their changes, can be tough on relationships. The flexible bonds of friendships are voluntary—unlike those of family—which leaves them more vulnerable to change as the built-in structures of early adulthood fade. Free socializing time becomes harder to find as our responsibilities multiply. Some people move to unfamiliar areas for work or family reasons. Children arrive, proving highly time-intensive; aging parents may present caregiving needs. Any of this can leave thirtysomethings more fatigued than ever before. After a long workday, the idea of a night out with friends may not sound as appealing as it once did. This energy shortage can also make it difficult for friends to sustain their bonds: When both people feel depleted, neither is likely to take the initiative.

This pattern has worsened over the past few years. When COVID dominated our lives, our social habits atrophied, according to the Survey Center on American Life. In that study, director Daniel Cox identified a clear drop in close friendships after 2020. “Americans report[ed] having fewer close friendships than they once did, talking to their friends less often, and relying less on their friends for personal support,” Cox wrote. Recall the way “pods,” into which people separated themselves, reduced the breadth of our social circles and limited opportunities for friendly gathering.

People began to work from home, alone, instead of spending their days with colleagues. Simultaneously, the rise of social media has generated an odd but common perspective on relationships (as depicted in Kristina Lerman’s 2025 essay, Strong friendship paradox in social networks). Lerman noted that on apps like Instagram, other people appear to have more friendships, and more satisfying ones, than we do. This perception can heighten a sense of FOMO, magnifying our feelings of shame and isolation.

But there are real, tried-and-true ways to build connections with others, or to enhance the friendships we already have. Because your friends probably also think their peers have more friends than they do, it makes sense to talk about the problem. Letting them know you want your friendships to stay strong, or that you sometimes feel distant, can help normalize these feelings. (Remember, when you can share your vulnerability and feel accepted in return, relationships grow stronger).

Also, don’t wait for others to suggest socializing opportunities. You may wish your old friends would reach out to you, but the odds are your friends harbor the same wishes, the same needs. Break the logjam by initiating plans yourself. Remember, as you and your friends get further apart and have less time to spend together, doing the work to foster your friendships becomes more important.

If you’re looking for new friends, don’t expect big relationships to start immediately. Consider your co-workers or neighbors as people you might want to spend a little more time with—people with whom you can share a laugh, at the least. Your barista, your librarian, or your bus driver can become a familiar stranger. Get to know them a little at a time: Investing in these “weak ties,” as they’re known, can lead to big improvements in social health and well-being (according to a 2014 paper by Gillian Sandstrom and Elizabeth W. Dunn). Daily, small but genuine connections with others—interactions higher in frequency than intensity—can produce real feelings of happiness and belonging.

They may also lead to real friendships. Just like little romances, little friendships can benefit from repetition, social frequency, and shared context. Social psychologist Robert Zajonc called this the mere exposure effect, noting that light, repeated contacts can build familiarity and turn strangers into acquaintances or friends. My first-year psychology professor, L. Dodge Fernald, might have agreed: “If all else fails,” he said to our class about finding new friends in college, “just keep showing up.”