Both partners should feel loved, respected, and secure in a relationship.
This holy grail of healthy relationship characteristics is torn apart when there is severe insecurity in the relationship.
Ranging from jealousy to controlling behavior, relationship insecurity can manifest itself in many destructive ways. Your insecurities in marriage may or may not be warranted, but they create unhealthy behaviors regardless of your reasoning.
Insecurity in relationships can lead to the end of it.
What’s concerning is that such insecurity can also manifest into health problems later on, as studies have found.
How do you define insecurity in a relationship?
How do you define relationship insecurity?
The insecure meaning in a relationship means that a person is anxious, unsure, and not confident.
It may not be evident at first, but you manifest signs of insecurity as you go deeper into your relationship.
We can describe it as a lingering thought and belief that you are not good enough for your partner. You may start getting intrusive thoughts that your partner, who you love the most, may find someone better than you.
Being insecure in a relationship can be addicting. The more you entertain the thoughts, the bigger the insecurity becomes.
Contrary to what we expect, insecure people don’t present themselves as weak people. There can be times when they mask their insecurities with overconfidence and even narcissism. One day, you realize that the once happy union you share with your partner is now filled with negative emotions.
Insecurity in relationships can turn a healthy relationship into a toxic one.
What causes a person to feel insecure in the relationship?
When you enter a new relationship, it’s filled with passionate love and high emotions. Even for those who have a troubled past, new love and relationships seem like hope.
But what happens when symptoms of insecurity manifest? What causes an excellent relationship to turn sour and be filled with doubts?
Insecurities show up when we encounter triggers.
You may have seen how your partner befriends people of the opposite sex, or you may have seen a random text from a friend you don’t know.
Insecurities can also be caused by comparing yourself with your partner’s exes or feeling inferior to your partner’s achievements.
Many triggers can ruin the trust, and insecurity finally sets in.
Related Reading: Dealing with the Insecurity from Your Partner’s Professional Relationships
Where do relationship insecurities come from?
No one wants to be insecure in love. But have you ever wondered where insecurity in relationships comes from?
What makes someone insecure in a relationship and feel haunted by endless doubts, jealousy, and hurt?
Some insecurities stem from a painful past. It could be by a parent who never gave us love, a goal that we failed to achieve, or unrequited love or abuse.
Insecurity roots in a lack of self-esteem.
Some people fake their confidence and trust, but later on, insecurities in a relationship manifest.
We may not even realize that our lack of self-love and self-esteem can drag our romantic relationship down.
What are examples of insecurity in a relationship?
Insecurity in relationships is common. There will be times when you need reassurance from your partner.
But when insecurity becomes too much that it disrupts your relationship and daily lives, that’s already a red flag of a toxic relationship.
Here is one of the most common insecurities in a relationship that will serve as insecurities examples for all of us.
You feel your partner is a flirt and that this person is not loyal to you. When your partner is late and lets you know they have a meeting, you secretly think he’s lying.
What happens when your brain gives you ideas like this?
You tell yourself how not to be insecure, but your mind is racing, trying to uncover the truth about the “overtime” reason that your partner gave you.
Soon, you realize that you’re stalking his social media, texting his co-workers and friends to see if he’s telling the truth, and spend hours thinking about what lies he told you and what he is doing.
Who’s having a hard time with this situation? That’s right, it is you.
It’s the start of the insecurity you have tried hiding for a long time. If you start feeling insecure in a relationship, it would be hard for you to go back.
Is feeling insecurity normal in a relationship?
Insecurity in relationships is indeed common.
No matter how long you’ve been together or how much you love each other, there will be times when you need to hear your partner’s assurance.
This happens when we become too busy or feel that we’re not appealing enough, and that’s okay.
Reassuring our partners is one way of strengthening the relationships.
However, if this need becomes an obsession, then that’s the time when insecurity in your relationship has become unhealthy and toxic.
If you don’t recognize the signs of insecurity in a relationship with it, it can slowly ruin your relationship and love.
Related Reading: Why Am I So Insecure? 20 Ways to Feel Secure From Within
16 Signs of insecurities in a relationship
Now that you are aware of the effects of insecurity in a relationship, it’s time to move on and understand the signs someone is insecure in their relationship.
Read through and see if you possess some of the characteristics of a person who is unsure of their partner’s love and loyalty.
1. Fear of losing your partner
One sign that you feel insecure in a relationship is the constant fear of losing your mate. Relationship insecurities make you feel like you aren’t worth someone’s time.
So you find yourself obsessing over whether your mate likes you, enjoys sex, is attracted to you, finds you annoying, or wants to leave you for someone else. This fear seems warranted when you have been through a rough patch with your partner where perhaps they did lose your trust.
It was found in a study of couples seeking marital therapy that romantic attachment insecurity was a predictor of sexual dissatisfaction.
Without trust, a relationship is doomed. If you are genuinely concerned that you will not be able to trust your mate, you should not be together. If you are insecure in love, is it worth it? Trust is the foundation for a healthy relationship.
2. Consuming jealousy
There is a certain level of jealousy in a relationship that is considered healthy. After all, you are in a committed relationship, and you don’t want someone else breaking what you have built. But, there is a point where this healthy jealousy turns into consuming insecurity. Common signs of jealousy include:
Constantly questioning your partner’s whereabouts
3. Negativity
Controlling behavior, such as demanding friendships to be ended because they make you uncomfortable
Getting too close or clingy with your mate
Spite and pettiness, such as making a new friend or flirting with someone else just to make your mate jealous
Jealousy is extremely difficult to overcome, but not impossibly so. This sneaky emotion seems entirely justified while you are in the moment, but it is not worth ruining a great relationship over. Practice learning to let go of particular hang-ups and build trust in a relationship.
4. Demanding access to gadgets
One sign that you are insecure in marriage is if you demand access to your spouse’s electronic devices such as phone, tablet, or social media accounts. You may be paranoid, wondering if your mate has naughty apps or carries on inappropriate conversations in private messages. Still, you should not be policing them, hoping that you’re saving your relationship.
It seems a little scary at first but acknowledging that you cannot change your partner’s actions by monitoring them like a security guard can give you a sense of peace. In the end, you either trust your mate, or you don’t.
5. You constantly check social media
Even if you have your partner’s passwords for their e-mail or access to their phone, your insecurities still can’t be silenced. Instead of going straight to your mate’s device, you obsessively check their social media.
You may even google your spouse’s name or constantly check up on their exes via social media. This can lead to unhealthy arguments and deeper insecurities.
Social media is a notorious relationship killer, so there’s a reason to doubt the ease with which infidelity can happen over networking sites. The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reports that one-third of divorce filings contain “Facebook.”
According to a survey by Divorce-Online UK, approximately one in three divorces result from disagreements related to social media.
That said, being consumed by every new ‘like’ on your mate’s photos or keenly aware of anyone having conversations with them is no way to live.
Related Reading: The Harsh Truth About Social Media and Relationships’ Codependency
6. Paranoia and disbelief as to your partner’s whereabouts
The constant questioning of your partner’s whereabouts and intentions can be tiring for both parties and weaken your relationship. Unfortunately, the hardest possible thing to do when you are insecure is to trust your mate.
The next time you get into an argument with your partner about their actual whereabouts, try and remind yourself that if your mate has never given you a reason to doubt them, stop doing so. This is one of the signs of an insecure man in love, and insecure husbands tend to display this behavior more than wives.
Related Reading: When You Live With An Insecure Husband
7. The need for constant reassurance
Am I attractive? Do you love me? Do you want to be with me? Are you being faithful? Why do you like me anyway?
These are all questions that are spurred on by insecurities. If you are insecure with yourself, you may find you are constantly requesting reassurance from your spouse for validation.
Excessive reassurance seeking by a partner can indicate depression caused by attachment anxiety. Have a look at what this study found in this regard.
Some reassurance from your partner is expected to make you feel special in your relationship, but it should not consume your conversations. If you feel depressed or need frequent reassurance, you may consider counseling a fantastic way to get to know yourself better and learn to love who you are.
8. You don’t like to be left alone
If you are insecure in your relationship, being left alone is your worst nightmare. The silence is haunting. You would rather be anywhere but left to think. This fear of being alone can also lead you to stay in an unhealthy relationship that does not deserve your time or attention.
Seek counseling or confide in a friend or family member who can give you an outside perspective of why it is better to be on your own and learn to love yourself rather than stay in a toxic relationship.
9. You avoid confrontation
When dealing with insecurity in your relationship, you might avoid confrontation like the plague, even when warranted. This is because you fear that your mate will leave you at the slightest sign of opposition.
If you want to pursue a healthy relationship, you must practice honest communication. This means getting uncomfortable topics out in the open and sharing your thoughts and feelings.
If you find yourself constantly suspicious of your mate and feel the need to gather information about their whereabouts with questions like “How long were you gone?” and “Who were you with?” it’s a clear sign that you are insecure in your relationship.
Work on building trust with your mate and creating goals around getting to know yourself better. Your mate cannot take away your insecurities. Only you can.
10. You suspect everyone
It’s so hard to learn how to handle insecurity in a relationship when you don’t trust anyone.
You suspect your partner is flirting with someone; you ask his friends or co-workers, and they deny it.
Still, you don’t feel satisfied. They do not convince you they are telling the truth.
You soon realize that you suspect your partner, friends, family, and everyone around him.
You hate them for not telling you the truth, but is there something to tell?
What if nothing is going on? What if you’re accusing these people just because of an experience?
Wouldn’t it be unfair to your partner and his peers?
Insecurity can make you believe everyone is conspiring against you. It hurts you, haunts you, and makes you want to dig more.
As you dig for more information, you go deeper into suspicion and all the other negative feelings that will not help you or your relationship.
11. You doubt your partner’s loyalty
“Why am I so insecure in my relationship even though I feel my partner loves me?”
Insecurity in relationships can alter your thoughts. Your partner hasn’t given you any reason to doubt his feelings, yet you don’t feel at ease.
You doubt his every move and think of many scenarios that haven’t happened yet. Then, the pain of imagining those scenarios will build up resentment without basis.
Even without proof, you can’t help but doubt your partner’s loyalty and love for you.
It hurts so much.
You feel that you have loved this person, but heartache and loyalty issues are all you get.
Wait, did something happen yet? Your feelings are legit, but you doubt his loyalty even though he has done nothing yet.
Wouldn’t this be unfair to your partner?
At the start of a relationship, there should be trust. Without it, you won’t go anywhere.
How can you be happy with all these intrusive thoughts? How can you trust if your mind is full of baseless doubts?
If your insecurities stop you from trusting your partner, then it would be difficult for you to become intimate with them, open up, and strengthen your relationship.
You won’t move forward with your relationship if your only focus is distrust, insecurities, and doubts.
Related Reading: What is Loyalty & Its Importance in a Relationship
12. There’s always an issue
“Why is it you still talk to your ex? You don’t love me?”
To this, your partner might compromise and block his ex. Then a few days, you decide to check his social media, and one co-worker sends him quotes.
“Are you flirting?”
Again, to prove his love, he ignores her. Again, after some time, you see him busy with his work and always on overtime.
“You no longer have time for me. Are you working or just spending some time with another girl?”
Again, your partner will try to soothe you and explain that it’s work. That he loves you and he won’t lie or hurt you.
For a while, your heart and mind will be at peace. You enjoy the love and affection until the negative feelings cloud your judgment again.
The cycle starts again. Does this sound tiring?
It is because it can drain you. It slowly turns a happy relationship into a toxic one.
If you are insecure, you doubt your partner’s efforts instead of seeing them. There’s always an issue, and your partner’s efforts are never enough.
13. You begin to test him
If an insecure person doesn’t find any proof of cheating, they might develop a scheme just to feel better.
They will start testing their partner’s loyalty by setting up traps.
One can create a fake social media account of a girl she suspects. Adds her partner and tries to flirt. The goal? She wants to see if her partner will flirt back.
What happens when he does? Do you break up?
What’s the purpose of these schemes?
Either way, you ruin your relationship. If your partner flirts, you got yourself an issue. If your partner finds out about your schemes, then he might leave you for doing this.
Setting a flirt trap is just one example of how insecure people test their partners. There can be more and more toxic, leaving the other end exhausted.
By putting up all these tests, even if your partner loves you so much, they are bound to realize that their efforts are never enough.
Wouldn’t it be beautiful to trust each other because you are in love?
To give that trust and loyalty to the person you love because they deserve it?
14. You become vulnerable to cheat
If you are insecure and doubtful, you look for affirmation and reassurance, and sometimes, you catch them cheating.
That’s right, how ironic is it to doubt your partner’s loyalty, yet it is the insecure person who’s capable of cheating?
“Maybe I am not good enough as a person or lover.”
These are just some of the intrusive thoughts of someone with insecurities. Some people prey on weak people and assure them they are loved and wanted.
These prey offer intimacy, security, and false promises, and in return, the insecure person seeks security from someone else.
The intensity and thrill of cheating, to an insecure person, would look like attention and love, but what happens next?
You become the person you hate the most.
Everything points to you now, and the insecurities you failed to overcome have won. It’s wreaking havoc not just in your relationship but also in yourself.
Those insecurities, like termites, destroyed not just yourself but your relationship as well.
Related Reading: 16 Powerful Benefits of Vulnerability in Relationships
15. You have a hard time with intimacy
Intimacy is beautiful, and it makes any relationship stronger.
There’s emotional intimacy where you can tell your partner anything and everything. We also know physical intimacy, intellectual, and also spiritual intimacy.
These can strengthen your bond.
For an insecure person, these are hard to develop. If a person is battling insecurities, they will have difficulty getting intimate with their partners.
It’s hard for them to open up because they doubt their partners’ motives.
Even with lovemaking, a person with insecurities won’t be able to get intimate or enjoy the love they should be sharing.
Did you know your partner can feel if you’re not enjoying yourself?
Even when you should bond, enjoy cuddling, and just talking about life won’t appeal to you anymore. Why?
It is because your mind is filled with thoughts, what-ifs, and all other negative emotions.
They can’t be intimate because they fill their minds with negative thoughts. So, how can you achieve the love and relationship that you want and long for if it is you who can’t open up and be intimate?
16. You don’t feel happy
Being insecure in a relationship strips you and your partner of the happiness that you deserve.
You decide to open your heart and enter a new relationship, yet you can’t give your partner 100% of your love, trust, and loyalty.
The thoughts of insecurities, doubts, and suspicions get the better of you.
How can you be happy with that?
Did you enter the relationship just to feel this way? Aren’t you torturing yourself and your partner with this?
You no longer feel happy because you’re hurting. Do you know why you are hurting so much?
That’s right. You need to analyze why you’re not happy. Deep inside, you know what’s wrong, and you understand how being insecure in love can cause you the person who’s willing to love and protect you.
What if your partner does the same thing to you? What if your partner accuses you of things you didn’t do? How will that make you feel?
You are responsible for your happiness. If you allow insecurity in relationships to run to your head, it will never be enough no matter what your partner does.
Is it possible to overcome insecurities in relationships?
Overcoming insecurity in relationships is a lonely battle. If you want the answer to ‘how to overcome insecurity in a relationship,’ you have to have control over yourself. But if you think you don’t know how to stop being insecure in a relationship and how to get over insecurities in a relationship, then there is help out there. A therapist can guide you on how to deal with insecurities in a relationship and even make you understand the types of insecurities in a relationship.
To understand how to overcome insecurities in a relationship, it is important to find out what causes insecurity in a relationship. Only then can you learn how to become secure and fulfilled within a relationship.
If you find yourself asking ‘why am I so insecure in my relationship’ and aren’t able to figure this out on your own, you must seek help.
Without knowing how to deal with trust issues and insecurities, you would never be able to have a happy and fulfilling relationship. Relationship paranoia can drive a wedge between a couple. Signs of insecurity in a woman or a man must be spotted to salvage the relationship.
Conclusion
Feeling insecure in a relationship is never easy, and no one is judging you. We all have some battles that we need to overcome.
There is still hope, even if you feel you are already drowning in insecurity in relationships.
If you think you can no longer control your thoughts, talk to someone or seek help from a professional.
Remember that before anyone else can accept and love us, we should love ourselves first.
We all deserve love, and when that time comes, give this person the trust and love they deserve.