3 Genius Responses Guaranteed To Confuse A Narcissist

Confusing a narcissist for the first time was kind of like the first belly laugh to a baby…unintentional, totally unexpected, interesting, amusing, and a little scary all at the same time.

When I was amid the abuse, I found comfort in the predictability of their behaviour. I knew what would set them off and I knew how to avoid it. which conversations were safe and which topics were best avoided.

I guess my behaviour was predictable to the narcissist, too. They knew certain behaviours would draw attention, a conversation, even a reaction — until they didn’t anymore.

As I started the long process of healing, I changed.

Narcissists require a narcissistic supply.

Narcissists cannot regulate their own emotions or self-esteem. They get these needs met by others in the form of narcissistic supply. It is required for their survival.

While it’s not a conscious need, it’s a need, nonetheless. Without adequate narcissistic supply, the narcissist’s self-esteem falls, they become emotionally dysregulated, and their behaviour becomes erratic. The only way to correct the situation is with narcissistic supply, which they receive in two ways:

1. Ingratiation makes them more likeable and gains them praise, admiration, validation, respect, and attention (positive or negative)
2. Aggression makes them feel better by devaluing others

Because supply is required, they have tools in their toolbox, which get them supply fast…

• Sympathy from sharing a story painting them as a victim,
• Praise from a story that makes them the hero,
• A lengthy conversation (attention) about their lying and its impact on the relationship
• Putting you down
• Undermining your success
• Breaking something precious to you (sabotage)
• Creating drama

Your new response breaks the pattern:

1. You agree with them.

They make an inflammatory statement or accusation. Without emotionally reacting, you agree with them.

• Thanks for pointing that out. It was your idea.
• You know, you’re right. I can be a little controlling.
• You’re right. I don’t know what it’s like to be in your shoes.
• Maybe you’re right. Some time apart might be good for us.

They are trying to provoke an emotional response by devaluing you. When you respond with agreement, rather than tears, anger, or shock, you take the wind out of their sails. Their tactic didn’t work. They deployed it correctly but didn’t get the supply and are confused.

2. You don’t react.

This is the heart of the grey-rock technique. You become a boring grey rock. They try to provoke anger, sadness, despair, fear—any powerful emotion. Their control over your emotional state gives them a narcissistic supply. You don’t react. Instead, you proceed with whatever you say or do as if they hadn’t spoken.

• You go back to reading your book
• You continue sorting through the mail
• You make the statement, “Dinner will be at 5:30.”

Again, their tactic didn’t work. They ranted and raged at you. They accused you of horrible things. They pulled out all the stops. You didn’t react. Now they’re really confused—and even more desperate for supply.

3. You don’t give them attention.

After they’ve unsuccessfully tried getting a narcissistic supply by devaluing you, the narcissist may try a new tactic. You see, they’re getting more desperate.

At this point, they may try…

• Getting your attention or sympathy with a story about their day,
• Doing something for praise (like finally completing a project important to you),
• Asking for advice and gaining your attention,
• Creating relationship drama between you and another and swooping in as the hero,
• Future-faking with plans of a dream trip,
• Even breaking out love bombing techniques that worked in the past.

Once you are no longer willing to be used for narcissistic supply, you reject these attempts with your lack of attention. Instead, you respond simply and politely, with

• Thank you for the coffee. I appreciate it.
• I’m sorry that happened to you.
• Thanks for fixing the faucet.
• It sounds like a nice trip. Let’s talk about it next month.

That sounds like a challenge. What are you going to do?

This will confuse the narcissist. They don’t know what to do next.

The confused narcissist is dangerous

They are increasingly emotionally dysregulated, desperate for a narcissistic supply. At this point, they may…

• Escalate their efforts to devalue you
• Respond with narcissistic injury and narcissistic rage
• Seek supply elsewhere

In severe cases, they may even experience a narcissistic collapse.

You are so much more than a source of narcissistic supply.

The narcissist may require it; however, you are not required to provide it. And just because you’ve done it for months, years, even decades, does not mean you are obligated to continue.