7 scenarios in life where the best thing to do is stay quiet, according to psychology

On May 4, 2024, 6:08 PM

We all know that there is a time for everything under the sun, so there must be a time to stay quiet, too, right?

While you could lock yourself inside an insulated room or float in an isolation tank to keep things quiet, I’m really talking here about keeping your mouth closed.

There are times when it’s inappropriate to say anything at all and times when speaking just doesn’t add anything. In other situations, expressing yourself or putting what’s on your mind out there can actually cause you more harm than good.

So it’s important to both be able to keep quiet when the situation calls for it and recognize when those times are.

For the former, sorry, you’re on your own.

But to help you with the latter, here’s a list of seven scenarios in life where the best thing to do is stay quiet, according to psychology.

The Expert Editor
7 scenarios in life where the best thing to do is stay quiet, according to psychology
Marcel Deer by Marcel Deer |
May 3, 2024, 11:10 am

We all know that there is a time for everything under the sun, so there must be a time to stay quiet, too, right?

While you could lock yourself inside an insulated room or float in an isolation tank to keep things quiet, I’m really talking here about keeping your mouth closed.

So it’s important to both be able to keep quiet when the situation calls for it and recognize when those times are.

For the former, sorry, you’re on your own.

But to help you with the latter, here’s a list of seven scenarios in life where the best thing to do is stay quiet, according to psychology.

1) When someone is sharing something personal and difficult
My personal conversation style goes something like this.

When someone tells me about an event in their life or a thought that they have, I listen along while also scanning my own memory for similar experiences or thoughts. If I find something in the old databanks, I share that back with the other person.

To me, this helps us relate. Instead of just saying, “Oh yeah, I can imagine” or “Me, too”, I like to share something concrete that shows we really have a shared experience in this wild world.

But sometimes I get the feeling that people don’t always like this way of communicating.

For one thing, it could seem like one-upmanship.

I never intend it that way, yet if I always come back with examples from my life to match yours, well, you might interpret it that way.

For another thing, it could distract from the weight and impact of what they’re saying.

When someone is disclosing something highly personal and difficult to say, it’s often better to just let them do it. Research has shown that high-quality listening not only helps people communicate, it also bridges divides and motivates change.

So the next time someone is telling me a tough, personal story, I’m going to sit back and actively listen with just a few nods and “uh-huhs” to prove it.

2) When you meet someone new
It might sound strange to keep quiet when you meet a new person.

Why would you?

Aren’t you trying to get to know each other?

Well, yes, but not always in the way that you think.

Imagine you’re a car salesperson or a yoga instructor. When you meet new people, they’re your potential clients, and it’s crucially important to do two things – understand who they are and what they want and make a good first impression.

It turns out that, according to research, staying relatively quiet is an effective way of doing both of these things. This study found that effective listening makes you seem “more trustworthy, understanding, and socially attractive” to the other person.

Of course, active listening isn’t all silence.

It also involves paraphrasing and summarizing what the other person said as a form of confirmation and proof you’re listening. But since you’re just giving their ideas back to them, I count this as keeping quiet as well.

And it tends to create more positive interactions plus help you remember what the other person told you better.

So this strategy lets them talk, and you look good. What’s not to like?

3) When you’re extremely emotional
Look, I’m the last person who’s going to tell you not to express your feelings.

Negative suppression of your emotions can lead to low self-esteem, depression, and even increased risks of mortality and diseases like cancer!

But that doesn’t mean that emotional control isn’t important.

There’s a time and a place to express your feelings and we all know full well that it’s not always right here, right now.

In fact, a 2015 study found that when your emotions run high, you might say and do things that aren’t very well thought out.

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This study scanned participants’ brains in an fMRI machine to see how their emotional responses were activated. It found that when people were highly emotional, they made many more impulsive decisions and also used the rational centers of their brains less.

Let’s translate this into a scenario where you’re driving to work, and you get rear-ended through no fault of your own. When you arrive late to your early-morning meeting, you’re still very agitated about the whole thing.

This might be a good time to keep silent and listen so that you don’t end up saying or doing things without thinking them through properly!

4) When you don’t have anything useful to contribute

Philosopher Paul Grice is known, among other things, for developing the cooperative principle of communication.

This principle essentially describes how people behave when they try to have an effective conversation. Grice suggested that if they want to be good communicators, they should do four things:

Be informative. Give only as much information as is required.
Be truthful. Don’t say things that you know to be untrue.
Be relevant. Keep on topic, and don’t talk about anything unrelated.
Be clear. Keep your contribution orderly, and try not to be ambiguous.
So if two people are talking about the latest sales figures, it doesn’t help to tell them your entire career history, lie about your own numbers, mention the show you’re currently binge-watching, or try to use big, impressive words. None of that is going to improve the content of the conversation.

Of course, people violate these rules all the time, usually for a purpose like trying to be funny or to get attention. But if you want to be efficient and effective in your communication, these are pretty great rules to follow.

Interestingly enough, psychological research has found that even children as old as three can understand most of these rules, and by five, they get all of them.

So if you don’t have anything to contribute about a given topic, the very best course of action might be to simply hold your tongue and let others discuss it.

Related: 7 prayers that bring peace when you’re overwhelmed by change

5) When mum’s the word
If you’re talking about your mom, hey, go ahead. Knock yourself out.

But if mum’s the word, that means you’re involved in a secret or confidential situation.

Now, personally, I don’t see the point of knowing a secret if you can’t tell. Isn’t a secret something you tell someone else when you’re not supposed to?!

Apparently not, at least when we’re talking about sensitive personal information or corporate secrets.

Obviously, some secret information could really harm others or ourselves if it got out. That’s the main reason why we need to keep our lips zipped even when it’s so tempting to tell.

At the same time, psychologists have found that, in many instances, keeping secrets is bad for us, especially if they make us think about them over and over. Secrets that make us ruminate like this can cause us stress and anxiety, so they’re definitely the type to avoid if you can.

6) When you’re going to cause harm
Just like when exposing a secret, your words can sometimes do harm to others or even to yourself.

This can happen when you tell another your true feelings about them or something they’ve done. If you pass judgment in your mind, that’s one thing. But when you share that with the other person, they can feel truly hurt.

It’s also important to know when to keep private information from going public.

You might be a really open person who has no trouble talking about all aspects of your life. You’re happy to lay your sexuality, political views, and spiritual beliefs on the table for everyone to see.

Just remember that not everyone else is so open.

A friend or coworker might share something with you that you want to repeat to others.

Before you do, think about whether this may have been said in confidence, and if there’s even the slightest possibility it was, it’s time to keep your mouth shut.

7) When you’re dealing with a narcissist
Narcissists have incredible needs for attention and appreciation.

They also like to have a feeling of control over others.

They feel powerful when they receive these things, which psychologists call collectively “narcissistic supply”.

This means that one of the best rules to follow when dealing with a known narcissist is to keep quiet. The less they know about you, the less ability they’ll have to manipulate you. And the less you supply their needs for praise and admiration, the more likely they’ll be to leave you alone.

Conclusion
These seven scenarios in life where the best thing to do is stay quiet, according to psychology, should give you something to think about. Silently.

But knowing when to hold your tongue is one thing. Learning to do it is another thing that will take some practice, at least for me!

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