Are you just “Collecting Friends” or Building Relationships?

Having a variety of friends can mean a variety of ways that friends can support you.

We are all such complex beings. We may have a variety of interests, from the books and magazines we read to the hobbies and pastimes we have to the work we do.

Some women are “single for lifers,” while others are coupling up or starting families. We need to be connected to people who understand where we are on our life paths as well as those who know us as someone other than the roles we play.

Unlike choosing one life partner to support us as we move through our lives, seldom can we find a single specific friend who can meet our social needs. We need friends at our workplace below us and above us on the ladder; this allows us to benefit from the mentoring of friends who have gone before us and to provide support and mentoring to those who are coming up behind us.

We need friends who will steadfastly support us and patiently sit with us as we watch the same tear-jerker movie we love three times in one weekend when we are coping with a romantic break-up or the loss of a job. You need friends who will go on shopping marathons with you and be willing to give an honest opinion of how you really look in that pair of skinny jeans. Seldom can a single person provide everything we need in a friend.

In addition, we have to realize that friends have their own lives, and relying on just a single friend to be there every time you need her is unrealistic. Even best friends might move away, fall in love, and have less time for friends, or develop new interests and build new friendships.

Creating a widely diverse friendscape (landscape of friends) is similar to having a varied portfolio of investments. It is essential to recognize that having good friends is just like having money in the bank when you consider the security and value they add to your life.

You need friends you can call on when you are having an emotional breakdown over a breakup in the middle of the night, and you need friends who’ll be there when you’re ready to celebrate an important event.

This is indeed the risk we take when we focus on developing only “clubbing friends,” “work friends,” “gym friends,” or “surface friends.” Friendship is a specific type of social exchange, however, and without reciprocity, it just doesn’t get very far.

We must be willing to let ourselves be authentic, genuine, and vulnerable to enable an acquaintanceship to develop into a friendship. And if we have not made space in our lives for friends who will be there with emotional support, we may just end up crying alone at 2 a.m. as we count down the hours until we have to show back up at work with a smile on our face and no hint of having had an emotional breakdown six hours earlier.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Who has a key to your front door if you get locked out?
• Who will listen to you whine about your evil boss?
• Who would be willing to dog sit so that you could get out of town for the weekend?
• Who would stop by and water your house plants if you were needed to leave town to care for an ailing parent?
• Who would know if you didn’t make it home one night after a night out with your party friends?
• Who would sound the alert and make the calls if you missed showing up for a regular post-workout hang-out?

There are a million reasons why we need a variety of friends in our lives. While most of the reasons are not “life or death” events, it is better to know that there are people in your life who count on you to “show up” and on whom you can count on to notice when—and find out why—you do not.

We need friends who think like us and who challenge us to think differently. Remember, no single person can fulfill all of your social and emotional needs—look for opportunities to build your social network.

Some friendships are created with intention, but others spring from happenstance encounters. Embrace every opportunity to people your world with people you like.