Before becoming a mistress: Unpleasant truths to get comfortable with

The secret life of the ‘other woman’.

Horror movies and stories of mistress relationships gone wrong to make mistresses appear evil. But there might be a good reason for that.

Callie C. was a successful executive in the city. Life was perfect. It got even better when he met her dream man. Someone from her high school that she reconnected with on LinkedIn. Within a few months, she was convinced he was the one.

Then he disappeared without a trace. Worse, she had to find out about his marriage from someone else.

The bucket of ice water that comes with realising you are a mistress might leave you frozen in indecision. Even if it is a conscious decision, the reality of it might not hit you pretty well.

Here’s what you should know about being a mistress, according to Georgia Shore and Allyson Miller (married and ex-wife, respectively).

Losing your friends

You might fall out with all your friends. Your values will be in contrast. They will be looking for their “one” while you date a married one.

Trust will be shaky. If you can date someone’s husband, what assurance will they have that you won’t date theirs behind their backs?

They might get tired of cleaning up the emotional mess or lifting the emotional baggage with you.

Fighting for your self-esteem

The guilt of having an affair with someone who has a wife and children will most likely eat at you.

You might not be a priority in his life while you build your life or schedule around his availability.

He will take up more space in your mind and emotions than you do in his. Eventually, he might come to take you for granted assured that you are not leaving.


Out of sight you have a relationship and invest in it but when the real world comes knocking, he will not be around.

Hospital stays when you lose a loved one when you simply have a bad day, accidents, or emergencies. It is unlikely you will face these with him.

Falling for the wrong ‘person’

The version of him you know is essentially free from his routine and who he is habitual.

His family knows the real him, or at least the dominant side of his personality.

You don’t have to deal with his character and mood outside recreational time together.

Whatever story he gives you will be true for you. It will is likely a story he tells himself (a fantasy baked in the exciting and risky affair).

Emotional manipulation

You are entirely at the mercy of his reassurance and promises.

You might feel like you are saving him from his dreadful life when you are simply giving him a break or excuse from dealing with it.

Every time he promises to settle with you and doesn’t you will fall apart more than the last, convince yourself you have invested too much to quit.

If you have to threaten him to leave his wife, do you really think that’s a good way to start a relationship?


He will probably be as romantic as he needs to be in order to keep the sex steaming. You will work extra hard to convince yourself that what you have is real.

He will do anything to keep the affair hot and under the radar and this includes a lot of lies, even at the expense of the “truths” he tells you in private.


You will probably be used to the shaky foundation of your arrangement. But in the event that he separates from his wife, you might not get the man you waited for.

The stress of a marriage falling apart and continued obligations will take its toll. His real world will invade your fantasy and it will bring with him his baggage.

Lack of trust and support

Although you block it out, you know he is a liar. You will probably never trust his word and your learned behaviour together will show up.

Your friends will never trust him and support will be a whisper if at all.

Lack of commitment

If he succeeds in leaving his family, he might leave you too. This is because a whole new world opens up for him. Why enter something he just got out of?

He will likely go through a financial tsunami trying to restabilise in the new development. Tight finances will likely cut you out.


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