Growing Old Gracefully Requires Flexibility and Resilience

The adage, “Old age ain’t no place for sissies,” attributed to Bette Davis circa 1968, implies that courage is what’s needed to survive old age.

While courage is certainly necessary to face the world every day with a wrinkled face and an unsteady gait, adaptability or flexibility is even more important in confronting these taxing years with grace and competence.

Besides aching bodies and memory lapses, old age is filled with constant change that accelerates dramatically, especially in the 80s. Friends die or become disabled, our bodies suffer a new ache or dysfunction almost weekly, and our identities need regular revamping. Frequently I ask myself, “Who is this old lady who now walks more hesitatingly when just yesterday she was a sprightly 40-year-old with boundless energy, running from goal to goal?”

Changes among many 80-year-olds

I am nearing my 88th birthday, which will arrive in a few months. While I am one of those fortunate seniors who doesn’t have a major illness (except for arthritis and hypertension), two of my close friends have died recently, a third has been diagnosed with vascular dementia, and a fourth has OPD (obstructive pulmonary disease), which makes getting around very difficult.

The OPD friend can no longer meet regularly for lunch and the friend with dementia is in an assisted living facility miles away. So, my social world has shrunk to half its size in just a few months. And many of the remaining members of my shrunken social world are suffering debilitating, awkward “senior moments” that halt the natural flow of conversation. As for those further along the memory dysfunction trail, they repeat their anecdotes several times within five or 10 minutes, making sustained attention to their conversation difficult, to say the least.

Weekly, I go to a chair yoga class filled with my aging counterparts. Several months ago, I arrogantly laughed at the idea of yoga in a chair (it sounded so easy), but now I find it personally challenging.

Glancing around the room periodically at my fellow seniors, I can see their individual struggles—some with flabby arms, others with weak legs, and still others lacking balance. Coordination is more difficult nowadays and stamina has decreased for most of us 80-year-olds. And with fine motor coordination, there is even more visible dysfunction; e.g., opening jars or putting on earrings is getting to be almost impossible.

In addition to the above changes brought on by aging, my identity and self-esteem have taken a beating since retirement seven years ago. Before then, I derived much of my self-esteem from professional accomplishments that arose from my role as a clinical psychologist. Since retirement, my professional role has diminished significantly along with the role of motherhood. My adult children have fled the nest; they’re no longer in need of regular doses of chicken noodle soup. So, what’s left to shore up my dwindling self-esteem?

I don’t want to identify with old age, that is, have my age be my primary identification. Many seniors who identify with their age begin to adopt the telltale signs of that age—e.g., a wide, shuffling gait, or a hunched-over appearance.

Some of the changes are compensatory, that is, necessary to keep one’s balance or handle a walker, but many of these characteristics stem from identifying with old age and its accompanying attitude that says: “I am almost 90; don’t expect too much from me!”

I want to be identified as a survivor of the debilitating effects of aging, not simply as a senior citizen or old woman. The latter designation carries with it mostly negative connotations, whereas survivor denotes courage and resilience, qualities worthy of admiration and emulation.

Recommendations for strengthening resilience

The definitions of resilience, adaptability, and flexibility share a common ingredient: the capacity to adapt to new, different, or changing requirements. While resilience adds a slightly different component—the ability to recover from misfortune—the three words can be used interchangeably to describe what is needed to navigate the unsettled terrain of old age with its many losses (physical, cognitive, and social). Unless one can adapt to the unrelenting changes of old age, one is likely to become depressed or chronically lacking in joy or pleasure.

Resilience can be strengthened by embracing change, seeking out novelty, and regularly exercising problem-solving skills. Because old age, with its diminished short-term memory, requires some rigidity (keeping your keys, wallet, and cellphone in the same place; taking pills and going to bed at the same time each day), flexibility can be achieved at other times of the day by changing the routine.

• Introduce variety into daily activities. Variety can be intellectually and physically stimulating because it develops new neural connections to replace the old, well-worn ones.
• While assisted living facilities and nursing homes schedule activities rigidly for valid reasons, there are usually free times available each day, which can be used to develop resilience. For example, if you take daily walks, vary your destination as much as possible. Even with walks around a circular hall, you can reverse the direction each day, thereby introducing new impressions into your daily experience. Also, change your exercise and dining routine as often as you can; chat with a variety of people daily, not only the ones you know well. Embrace change; it can nourish your brain and your spirit!
• Seek out novelty. Take a class, join a club or two, learn a new language, travel, and/or read new books regularly. As with variety, novelty requires greater focus and attentiveness, which strengthen the neural pathways underlying memory.
• Exercise problem-solving skills. Whether it’s sudoku, crossword puzzles, or Wordle doesn’t matter; what’s important are regular cognitive exercises that stretch your thinking.
• Having become a regular devotee of Wordle, I am amazed at the cognitive shifts that need to take place as I move through the steps. I have to shift gears regularly—that is, change strategies—to incorporate the feedback provided and succeed at the task.
• Use your talents in new ways. Be creative in using your talents. For example, mentoring, teaching, volunteering, and consulting provide opportunities to build your self-esteem while assisting others. If you’re a gifted cook, others would surely enjoy sampling your creations. Likewise, if you’re a musician, performing before a local audience can pleasure others and self-esteem boosts for yourself.

Navigating the semi-treacherous waters of old age with adaptability and competence, while providing some benefit to others along the way, is a goal worth pursuing.