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Useless Column: ‘Juju in marriage’

Just like the crocodile, a lion ceases to be a lion when you can sit on its back and be taking pictures. The last time I tried sitting on a crocodile, the scorn with which it turned and looked at me tells me my hometown people were at work. Let me put on record that the crocodile on which I sat to take pitcha was not from my humble village o. If you want to sit on crocodile to take picture, you have no other place than Volta Region to do so? Ei! Alhassan! Go ahead er! Volta crocodile. The moral of this unnecessary stuff is that people may take advantage of you if you allow yourself to be too nice. It is good to be nice, but let there be some limit. Just because the female lion is stronger and does all the work does not mean you should go and hold the tail of the male one and be taking pictures with your phone. Go ahead er!

This Saturday, I will attend a wedding though the man does not have a job yet. The good news is that his soon-to-be-wife is working. Clap for women er….Kpakpakpakpa kpaaaa! I wish them well in advance. It is only when you are single that you see a lot of happy couples. The moment you get married p3, you see a lot of single people who are very happy. If this no bi juju, what then is it as far as marriage is concerned? I shock sef!

When you see a man coming out of a lady’s room in the afternoon and he is holding half a bottle of water in his right hand and he is pouring the water on his left fingers with the water, please feel free to draw conclusions wae. It just could be what your mind is telling you. Don’t assume anything else. He was probably so ‘close’ but time did not permit him and he’d had to abandon the ‘project’, midway! Laayialooo! Hahaaaaa!

Please hold your breath o. If you know you have a problem, don’t go asking to marry a woman who is good in bed. You will have more problem. Some studies say 50% of men are impotent. wahala dey! Could this be true? Those of us after age 40 have started some self-evaluation to be sure we are fine thank you and you! The strategy we use is similar to what we do when we want to be sure our mouth is not smelling by first clinching our fists into a fist-pot to catch the breath, smell it on the quiet and then proceed. Mormorni mouth no scare you before. Go ahead!

I disgraced myself recently my mother-in-law’s daughter returned from a trip. I missed her so much and and and….hahaaaa! Midway through the ‘distin’, I went ‘half clutch’. Surprised at what was happening and panting heavily, I pleaded with her and asking her questions that don’t concern me in any way. For example, who was the first person to eat gari and beans with fried red plantain in Ghana? All of these in the bid to buy time. Just when I was about regaining ‘consciousness’, she was talking talking and before I knew it, the ‘thing’ dropped again as it ‘bowed down’, provoked. You know at this point you have to psychologically and mentally position yourself in such a way that it does not drop again. The slightest disruption can cause a ‘downfall’ again. Forget about school fees in January or else you may think and the thinking will lower your ‘GPA’ and then grrrrrr! Here, if you are unable to ‘enter’, she will dress up, chuckle in dissatisfaction and go and bath. You have to pray…pray…. pray…. e go better! Ei! I never understood this erectile this thing till at this age! Indeed who no grow, go grow.

But wait o. Impotence is different from erectile dysfunction though used interchangeably sometimes. Let’s not mix the two as if mixing Viaggra with aggrada bitters. Each one has a ‘purpose’ and can be very depressing when combined. Whereas the term ‘impotence’ describes the problems that interfere with sexual intercourse [among married people only o] and the likely inability to impregnate, erectile dysfunction is more specific to a man’s inability to achieve or maintain an erection. Finish!

It’s a serious ‘congenital pandemic’ that comes with age, lifestyle and abuse of common over the counter medications, in my opinion. Too much meat and sugar together with lack of exercising are some of the suspects. Abeg, when you know your problem and you are doing the thing and you get the slightest chance, just pour that thing, wear your trousers and go away; don’t waste anybody’s daughter’s time.  It’s more dignifying like that way than to say you want to impress only to lose the strength to continue and not ‘come’ kraaaa. Sometimes, people even die trying to impress and the locations of their deaths usually not a dignifying one – hotels!

See, just do ‘pampampam’ and then ‘piaaaa’ and go home and rest! Weytin concern me with under 2 minutes when 3 minutes can fail me in totality! Remember you are no longer 25 years!

Anytime there is a story about a man’s weakness in bed, every man above 40 years becomes alert. ‘I know myself’ kind of reality inside men. No talking. Just believe that indeed 50% of men are weak down there and that you are not one of them. Just pretend and you will be fine. Self-denial and don’t lose hope. Don’t worry about it; after all, worrying won’t change anything. Korr! Ah!

If you reach a certain age and have to sing useless songs just to buy time in pleasing your wife, you will understand me better. Asking unnecessary questions such as ‘did Kwame Nkruma wear face mask?’ abeg, it’s none of your business. Go ahead and do your house conjugal duties, man. Don’t try herbal aphrodisiacs, concoctions o; you will regret. Those things quench fire in the long run.

When the ‘thing’ is overused and you refuse to exercise and don’t eat well, what do you expect? Na im make 50% of men win awards. Stay quiet and rest! You are not alone, Bra! We plenteyyyy! Hahahaa!

Can you still call your eyi ‘private parts’ again if you have used it on more than one woman? Is it not ‘public parts’? It’s Friday and I make happy roff bcos I go booze water again from Friday into Saturday and on Sunday I will go and pray to neutralize all my sins. Amen!

The year has started with worrying road accidents. Please lets be careful on the roads o, you. Is it not true that anybody who fails to wear a helmet before riding a motor bike or refuses to use his seat belt when driving, is 100% likely to make love in an unprotected manner? Think about it. Me I have said my own and won’t think about it koraa again. I don’t know what to do about human beings again before we do the right thing.

The story was told of a guy who thought he was smart enough not to wear helmet because God was his protector. He was arrested by the police at Nima junction. While being advised by a police officer another rider passing by with helmet on was stopped by the police officer. The intention was to use him as a good example of what the right thing was. The Officer took the helmet and by illustration: ‘See if you are wearing a helmet, you would be saved if you hit your head on the ground like this…and then he dropped the helmet.’ It broke into pieces that very moment; it was a calabash painted black! Dasorrrrr!

Who do you think you are deceiving, Bedu? Go on, have unprotected sex in secret. Two things – an unwanted pregnancy which may not even be yours becomes yours or ‘HIV’. Choose one or both.

The painful thing is that when a person dies as a result of carelessness, you don’t lose anything but the people who depend on you for survival! Go ahead, drive without seatbelt and when the unfortunate happens, don’t call me again because I told you oo, yooo!

If you are part of the 50%, then you are ‘important’ in the scheme of things.

Thank you for not reading this abstract and remember there is no amount of water from land that the sea cannot accommodate! Problem no dey finish! Don’t think about it; just swim! My Brother, e hard o; no! E no ‘hard o’; it’s ‘soft’! Hahaaa!

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