What Does It Mean to Be a ‘Switch’ in Bed?

When you hear the terms “dominant” and “submissive,” does your mind immediately go to BDSM? Do the words alone sound intimidating?

While these labels can be associated with BDSM, the reality is that they’re just two ends of the spectrum of how people act during sex.

Whats along that spectrum you wonder? Some people gravitate toward one role of the other, but others like a bit of both. Sure, there are times you want to take control in bed like a dominant-yet feeling dominated yourself can also turn you on. How can you be dominant if you also like being submissive? Well, odds are youre a third, much less discussed class: a switch.

What is a switch?
A switch is someone who likes to be dominant and submissive in bed, depending on how they feel in that moment. Being a switch doesnt mean you necessarily like to be dominant as often as youre submissive. You may spend most of your sex life being neither of those things. All it means is that sometimes you do like to take a dominant role and sometimes you like to take a submissive one.

As , sex therapist and sexologist, tells Mens Health, Terminology serves to give us a language in which we can identify and name our experience and to communicate them to our partner..[Being a switch] is commonly relegated to BDSM; however, most of us have a comfort level of dominance and submission. This can change over time with the same partner and with other partners. A switch is a label that you can use or ignore, nothing more.

Really all being a switch means is that sometimes your desires around control in bed switch. When you think about it, with most things your feelings and opinions change, so why shouldnt the case be the same during sex?

Like many topics of sexual exploration, the concept of switching can be more difficult to grasp for men than for women, , a sex worker, educator and intimacy coach, tells Mens Health. This is because we socialize men in a way that exalts strength, power and authority as favorable traits. In a society that still celebrates and rewards masculinity, men often hesitate to be vulnerable for fear that their masculinity will fall into question. Remember that these urges are natural and a healthy expression of your sexuality.

A switch falls along a spectrum.

Again, there is no one size fits all. As with any label, theres a complete spectrum onto which a person call fall. Just like sexual libido, we can look at power dynamics as being on a spectrum rather than an either-or binary, Shakti says. Your craving for power versus vulnerability in the bedroom will ebb and flow over time depending on a great number of variables including confidence, career, physical and mental health, chronological age, and life experience, as well as who you’re partnered with.That’s one hundred percent normal!

Like we discussed earlier, maybe you like to be in control most of the time but then, every once in a while, you feel this need to be dominated by your sexual partner. Just because you dont switch back and forth regularly, doesnt mean you dont enjoy both. Every switch has their own desires and patterns in bed.

It doesnt mean you want to break out the whips.

Seriously, being a switch doesnt mean you need to dive deep into BDSM. Switching is way more common than you might think. We often hear about switching in the context of kinky sex, but you don’t have to break out the whips and chains in order to explore things from the other side, Shakti says. Power dynamics and imbalances of power are a part of every single interpersonal relationship; acknowledging and playing with them in a safe, consensual, controlled environment – as opposed to ignoring them or willing them away – can help bring not only titillation, but also comfort and relief.

There are many ways to test the waters without diving hard into BDSM. Start without even getting physical by trying out dirty talk. Tell your partner explicitly what you want to do to them or them to you. Ready to take your switching to the physical? It can be as simple as whos on top during intercourse or going a bit further and engaging in some light spanking. Its about learning whats good for you and your partner.

Maybe you do want to experiment with some harder BDSM as you explore your feelings as a switch. If your partner is game, go for it. On the other hand, you may not. Either is completely and totally normal. Each persons sexual desires are unique and, as you continue to discover yours, trying new things is a great way to find out what you do and dont like. The point is, being a switch doesnt mean you have to do anything that youre not comfortable with. You and you alone define what being a switch means for you.

How to talk to your partner about switching:

Part of being in a healthy and communicative relationship is being able to share your thoughts and feelings. Bringing up sexual desires can be scary, especially in a newer relationship. However, a respectful partner will listen without judgement.

Not sure how to bring it up? First, set aside a generous block of relaxed time so that neither of you feel rushed, Shakti says. Second, don’t roll out your desire like a cancer diagnosis! Instead of hemming and hawing and apologizing for what you’re about to disclose (as though it were bad news), introduce your fantasies as calmly and confidently as you can manage. Reinforce how attracted you are to your partner, and how excited you get thinking about exploring switching with them.

From there Shakti stresses the importance of giving your partner time to process what youve told them. No its not anything bad but they still may need a minute to decide if its something theyre open to. Presenting them with clear information about what a switch is and how you hope to incorporate it into your sex life is key.

If your partner is comfortable with it, explore your urges.

So, youve talked to your partner about being a switch. Thats great! After giving them time to think about what youve said, hopefully theyre up for incorporating it into your sex life (If theyre not then you need to respect that).

Talk to each other about what you want to try. What you should know is this may change over time and thats OK! Give yourself permission to explore and experiment with what brings you and your partner pleasure. Maybe thats venturing into the world of kink or switching from top to bottom during sex, as long as you & your consenting partner are safe, have fun exploring! You may be surprised at how much pleasure you experience after switching roles, , MA, LMFT, Relationship & Sex Therapist, tells Mens Health.

If youre new to this, it can be better to take baby steps towards incorporating switching into your sex life. Start small. Even if your long-term goal IS to incorporate whips and chains into your switching repertoire, start instead with incorporating some new dirty talk into your sex, then work up from there, Shakti says.

When it comes down to it, being a switch is just one component of your sexuality. Continue to explore and enjoy all of it.