Creating a Family Out of Friends

Two weeks ago I headed upstate for a long weekend in Beacon, New York, with Nicole, a friend from a previous job. We’ve known each other for about 12 years.

We stayed in a bed-and-breakfast that was dog friendly, so I was able to bring my dog, Shelby. We strolled down picturesque Main Street and took in the local museum and winery.

The views were spectacular; the wine, not so much. The next morning we had plans to take a ferry to explore the ruins of a castle, only Shelby wouldn’t get on the boat. So Shelby and I stayed behind. I headed over to the home of Caitlyn, who lives in Beacon. She and I used to work together—remotely, at a job I had about four years ago.

Later, I picked Nicole up at the ferry when it docked, we had lunch and then headed home. It was a really nice weekend.

Last Saturday, I had lunch with Amy, a friend I met while I was taking an entrepreneurial class. We were both trying to launch mental health startups and we became fast friends. Saturday night I headed down to Queens to have dinner with Nicole and two other social workers. We all worked at the same outpatient clinic at the same time. Only Ellen, who started less than a year after me, is still there. Marissa is the director of a homeless shelter.

I’ve created a family out of friends. It’s not that I don’t have any family. I have my, brother who is also my best friend and staunchest supporter. But he’s married with a teenage daughter and he very much has a life of his own.

According to Willian Chopik, the author of a study on friendship published in the journal Personal Relationships, “A few studies show that we often enjoy our time with friends more than with family. We do leisurely things with friends, whereas family events are often serious or maybe a little monotonous.”

While I’m past the age for “family events,” whatever those may be, if I had to name a few from my youth, the ones that come to mind are the many Passovers we spent at my aunt’s home reading through the Haggadah with our stomachs rumbling from hunger.

A reading of the story of Passover could take three hours. Seders with friends (generally on the second night) were much more fun and involved less hunger. Generally, someone would ask, “Why is this night different from all other nights?” Someone else would say the prayer over the wine, and then dinner was served.

“The benefits of having close pals may also be stronger for older people because, by that point, those friendships have stood the test of time,” Chopik says. “You have kept those people around because they have made you happy, or at least contributed to your well-being in some way.

“Across our lives, we let the more superficial friendships fade, and we’re left with the really influential ones.”

I’m no longer friends with any of my childhood friends or even friends from college. I’m in awe of people who are my age (62) and have friendships dating back to grade school. The last time I talked to Susie, my best friend from P.S. 99 in Kew Gardens, was when she called to offer condolences when my mother passed away. That was over 20 years ago.

My best friend from college, who lives in Western New York, came to New York City with her partner about 10 years ago to play tourist. I took a couple of days off from work to play a guide.

We promised to stay in touch but didn’t. Once the commonality of college and softball disappeared (I was the pitcher and she was my catcher on our university’s softball team), the foundation crumbled.

Much more influential are the people who are current and relevant in my life today. It makes sense that many of my friends are social workers since I’ve spent the majority of my waking hours at clinics. With Nicole and Ellen and Amy, though, it goes beyond friendship; I love these women. They are my family and I would do anything for them and they for me.

One of my clients used the term “ride or die” to describe when “you are willing to do anything for someone you love or someone you really appreciate in your life.” I feel that way about these friends and I hope they are somewhere in the vicinity with me.

“The most important thing about social relationships is just how critically important and valuable they are,” Teresa Seeman says in Lydia Denworth’s book Friendship. “Earlier in life, being married — that relationship — is really key, but as you get older friendships become that much more important and whether or not you’re married is relatively less important.”

I’ve come to terms with never being married due to my asexuality so friendships are critical for me. Nicole never married, Ellen is a widow, Marissa is married, but doesn’t have any children, and Amy is married with two teenage children. I’ve found my people.

Thanks for reading.

Andrea.