How to Deal With Holiday Resentment

We all know the warm, cozy feeling that a Christmas song brings. And…a lot of us also know the annoyance that comes with hearing “Jingle Bells” for the third day in a row.

The holidays are often an experience of many mixed emotions—joy, irritation, sadness, anxiety. A time for family means love, laughs, and often, family drama.

As a therapist, I feel so lucky to be let into the worlds of my clients, as it helps me to understand more about the human experience. And one thing I’ve learned is that the holidays can be hard. For many, it is a cherished time, and also an incredibly stressful one.

The most common problem I see around the holidays is an imbalance in reciprocity between family members. One person tends to give too much, while another gives too little.

The over-giver could be giving too much in terms of gift-giving, but more often I see this overgiving as a giving of too much time or energy. For example, the over-giver might end up doing all of the planning, cooking, cleaning, etc., but end up building resentment because the relationship is not fair.

To avoid holiday resentment and imbalance, it’s important to learn assertive communication. Assertive communication respects both the needs of self and the needs of others, while a passive communication style gives the message, “My needs aren’t important, only yours are, let’s do what you want,” and an aggressive communication style conveys, “My needs are the only important thing here, yours aren’t—my way or the highway.” We want to strive for balance in communication, a gentle approach that does not neglect the self but advocates for it, while respecting the needs of the other.

You can practice assertive communication by using the “soft start-up” technique from Gottman Method Therapy. To practice this technique, think of a situation in your family that brings up feelings for you. Put your experience into this general structure:

I feel…

About what…

And I need…

For example, if you are struggling with feeling that you are doing the majority of the dishes every night of a visit, this could sound like going to your family member and saying, “I feel overwhelmed when I don’t have help with the dishes, and I’m hoping tonight you could help me.”

This statement avoids criticism, demands, and threats while also effectively advocating for your needs. For example, you aren’t saying anything like, “You are so lazy, why don’t you ever do the dishes? You’d better help me do them tonight or I’m out!” or getting stuck in a passive state doing the dishes but holding onto resentment and hidden anger over the lack of fairness.

To avoid resentment in your relationships, you have a responsibility: to advocate for your needs and make them known. As long as you practice assertive communication, it’s then your loved one’s responsibility to respond to your needs in a way that makes you feel seen, heard, and valued.